D notes

How's Your Stool Sample...?

2011-12-11T09:46:00.000-08:00

We all want to be healthy, right? The important thing to remember in judging one's health, however, is that your life is like a stool with 4 legs, and for a balanced life all of those legs need to be healthy. (Have you ever been on a stool that's unbalanced? It's annoying as you teeter and rock a bit... then it becomes kinda fun... but then after a while it's annoying again.)

You have Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual aspects to your life. We usually work diligently on the physical, mental and emotional parts, but all too often we tend to neglect the spiritual "leg" of our lives, leaving our life's "stool" off kilter and unbalanced. We wonder why things aren't going great and why, even when in all the other areas of our life we are happy and healthy, we still feel empty and unfulfilled.

May I suggest that as you are working on your physical area at the gym, developing your emotional area with good friends and strong family relationships, stretching your mental muscles with education, good books and crossword puzzles, that you also seek to invest in the spiritual area of your life by seeking God? And not just any god, because all of them will leave you hollow and wanting except Jesus Christ. Seriously... fix the wobble in your stool and refuse to live unbalanced or frustrated any longer. Find a church where you can hear biblical truth, make good friends, and seek God. Then you'll strengthen all 4 of your legs! :-)

Check your stool sample....

A MOvember To Remember...

2011-11-30T10:36:00.000-08:00

Ode to my November moustache:

T'was the 30th of MOvember and all through the place,

Not a creature was stirring 'cept the one on my face.

To the kitchen refrigerator my moustache had crept,

Unbeknownst to me as in my bed I still slept.

He looked at the food and smiled broadly with glee,

(That's the feeling of elation not the show on TV).

In front of his whiskers was a bounty of snacks,

A last supper for him, because tomorrow - the axe!

Digging in with a flourish and a hearty refrain,

"Yeehaw" he yelled, as cold soup he did strain.

He slurped down some jell-o and feasted on yam,

Ate eggs, fruit and celery, and half of a ham.

When his voracious appetite had finally been sated,

He snuck back to the bedroom quite unabated.

Climbing onto my face with a touch, oh so light,

I woke up to find he'd grown 3 sizes that night!

WHAT THE...?

2011-07-03T08:33:00.000-07:00

My almost 7-year-old son, Kylan, has developed a habit recently of saying, "What the...?" a lot, with a feigned shocked expression to match. "What the...? What the...? What the...?" We've been trying to tell him to tone down the "what the's...?" because it's getting kind of ridiculous. I almost told him the awful truth that a kitten gets punched in the face every time someone says or writes "what the...?", but I just knew he'd respond with an animated, "What the...?" and then another kitty would be seeing stars. In fact, just in explaining this to you, dear reader, 8 kittens have been punched in the head (including my title). I know, eh? Crazy! "What the...???"

Oops, 9...

How Long Has My Fly Been Open...?

2011-02-25T15:29:00.000-08:00

Now I'm embarrassed
I can't even say
How long has my fly been open
Has it been most the day?

I've been in my car
I've walked around town
It should have been up
But instead it's been down

My nethers were hidden
By my shirt, I will say
Convincing myself of that
Is the only way

But I've had an unwanted draft
Seen many a laugh
It's a terrible gaffe

My face is so red
I'd rather be dead
What more can be said?

Oh, how long... how long... how long
How long has my fly been open?

10 Minute Poetry (by Dairn Peters)

Hot Time Summer In The City...

2010-08-03T15:59:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law, Cheri, and her three kids (Sam, Anna Beth, and Elise) came to visit us from Kentucky for a week in July. It was really great seeing them again, and it was a lot of fun having more little kids to tease!

We did some fun family outings with Grandpa and Auntie Lonni including a Sea Safari around Howe Sound in a large Zodiac-like boat. That was a hoot! We saw seals and other wildlife, we did tight exhilirating turns, and we went into the Georgia Strait and battled some bigger waves. I was really proud of my kids, they had a great time (and no one puked - bonus!). We also went to the Vancouver Aquarium one of the days. The dolphin show was fun and put a smile on everyone's faces. The Beluga show, on the other hand, demonstrated that they are big and white and can swim around. Yawn. One of the final days together, we did a summer birthday party for Kylan and 2 of his cousins. Mike's Critters came and showed off a variety of animals for the kids to pet and prod and ask questions about. The python was a hit, as well as the large guinea pig. I think the python liked the guinea pig too (he kept licking his lips). It was a great week!

In other news, Kylan and Luke have been thirsting for knowledge recently. Ky asked me, "How come they made 2 kinds of peas? The pea you can eat and the kind that comes out of your peni... your body?" I didn't have a good answer. And Luke came into the bedroom at 5:44am carrying a jug of milk from the fridge. Maybe not thirsty for knowledge, but he was definitely thirsty....

The Butterfly Effect...

2010-07-12T16:10:00.000-07:00

In regards to the current heatwave we are experiencing in Vancouver, how is it that some scientists theorize that the flapping wings of a butterfly in Brazil can affect the cause and path of a tornado in Texas, whereas I can feel absolutely NO freaking effect from the fan across the room???

It is, however, probably knocking over buildings and causing havoc in Tokyo or something...

The Peters At Pender...

2010-07-07T23:44:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, the extended Peters family met at Pender Island for a 4 day Canada Day celebration. Mom and dad, Ron's family, Becky's family, Glenn's family and ours (the Van B's and Josh couldn't make it and they were all greatly missed), stayed at the beautiful home of Dad's cousin, Diet (Deit? Dieter? Deet? Backwoods Off?) Kroeker, overlooking the ocean. The massive house had 8 rooms, a huge kitchen, large living room, loft, rec room and back deck.

We spent the days eating, laughing, playing games, watching whales (a pod of about a dozen killer whales swam past our backyard), looking for crabs, throwing rocks, playing disc golf, jump-starting my van, going for walks, looking at creation, and basically lazing around. Twas good.

Next time I'll bring my booster cables. And blackout curtains for the windows so Luke won't wake up at 5 each morning. And some coyotes to cull the dozens and dozens of deer we saw. And a whaling ship with some empty tuna cans. And a band-aid for my 'frisbee blister.' And the rest of the terrific Peters family....

Big Bang...

2010-06-25T09:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my friend Dean and I travelled to Seattle for an afternoon Mariners' game at Safeco Field. It was a beautiful day except for absolutely NO parking! Sheesh, we drove around that area for an hour and a half looking for anything, but zilch. Anyways, we finally found something and got into the stadium for the bottom half of the 5th inning. The M's and Cubs were tied at 2 apiece at the end of the 9th, and didn't settle it until the 13th inning! (3-2 Cubs) So we almost got to see a full game anyways (nice save, baseball gods).

The thing that got me thinking, however, was on the way to Seattle, we passed a semi tanker truck that had bright orange signs on it saying, "Molten Sulphur." Wow. Where did they pick up molten sulphur from and where are they delivering it to? Who puts in an order for MOLTEN SULPHUR?? Hell, maybe? "Here's your order of molten sulphur, your lowness, Prince of Darkness, sir. Just sign on the dotted line and initial that it's been received."

Seriously, who is working with that stuff? On the way back from Seattle, we passed another semi tanker truck with a sign saying, "Liquified Petroleum Gas." I'm not sure of the chemical properties involved here, but what would happen if Truck A crashed into Truck B? Molten Sulphur versus LPG! Could be the end of the world as we know it. Or at the very least, a Hollywood-worthy, Bruckheimer-esque explosion to rock the screen!

Or maybe they cancel each other out. Fizzle...

No Ants In My Pants...

2010-06-11T09:37:00.000-07:00

Just in my hair. Seriously. After my run in Deer Lake Park this morning, I huffed and puffed back into the house and was about to have a shower when I looked in the mirror. There above my forehead, crawling through some of my ever-so-thinning hair, I saw a black ant. That must have been quite a ride for the little guy! One minute he's minding his own business on a leaf, the next he's seeing the bush rushing past as I bob and weave along the trail. He clung on for dear life and will no doubt have an amazing story to tell when he makes it back to his ant hill again. Good luck little guy! After gently releasing him, and briefly before flushing, I wondered if my house's sewage system led to Deer Lake or not....

Royal Flush...

2010-06-08T10:31:00.000-07:00

We have been teaching our 5 year old, Kylan, to not flush the toilet if someone's having a shower. He has now become accustomed to yelling from the bathroom, "Is anyone in the shower?" every time he uses the toilet. The other morning he came into our ensuite bathroom while I was showering and said that he needed to use the washroom but he wouldn't flush. From under the spray I told him it was no problem, and then I heard him proceed to say out loud to himself, "Don't flush, don't flush, don't flush..." Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... FLUSH! "Augghh, sorry daddy!" I was laughing so hard listening to him that I barely noticed the scalding hot water burning my flesh. Kids!

In other news, I instructed my children at the dinner table that if they are ever being chased by a rhino, they should find some stairs. I don't think rhinos are adept at climbing stairs. That's some pretty solid advice, I think....

The Plural Of Moose Is Meese...

2010-06-04T12:26:00.000-07:00

There's a great bit by Brian Regan where he talks about learning a lesson in school on the plural of certain words (goose to geese, ox to oxen, etc), and how screwy things can become when you're trying to fit those rules into the plurals of other words (moose to meese and box to boxen just don't work... but they should!). It's a great bit (YouTube it or buy the CD).

Anyways, I sometimes think of a status update for my Facebook account and jot it down on a piece of scrap paper so I won't forget it. Lately I've written a few of them and wondered what the plural form of my status ideas is. Is it "statuses?" That's kind of boring. How about "statices?" Or "statii?" That's my fave so far - it sounds like it could be a medical term. Or a Latin term. Or a Latin medical term. Or just a terrible spelling mistake.

Oh well, maybe I've just got to stop thinking up more than one status at a time. Or just pack them into some boxen and feed them to the meeses....

Happy Birthday, Luke...

2010-05-31T21:54:00.000-07:00

So, last time I blogged, Luke was barely born. He is turning 2 today, so let me introduce the little guy to you again! Born on the same day as his Uncle Glenn (albeit 45 years later), and named strictly so I can do a Darth Vader voice and utter that famous line, "Luke... I AM your father!" Actually, his name is Dairn Luke, but we decided early that we'd call him Luke as to not confuse me everytime someone says, "Dairn... get your hand out of the toilet bowl!" or "Dairn, stop drooling" (as if that's a function one can control).

Well today Luke ate a bowl of chocolate chip mint ice cream with a candle on top, tried to communicate with more words (I think he said "thank you", and he already says "please", but it sounds exactly the same as "teeth" and "cheese"), and hit me in the face with a PS2 controller. All in a day's work.

Anyways, if you were to look back on my blog posts, you'd find a smattering of the life and times of my other two great kids, so I thought it only fair to give an update on Lukie. Welcome to the beginning of your third year, little buddy, and welcome again to blogdom. I'm quite sure you'll provide your dad with plenty of posting fodder for years to come.

And know this, I promise never to sever your hand with a light saber. Never....

Marley & Me & Sean Connery...

2008-12-31T08:19:00.000-08:00

What do the following actors have in common: Tom Hanks (in Saving Private Ryan), Sean Connery (in The Untouchables), Steven Segall (in Executive Decision), and the dog that played Marley (in Marley & Me)?

Give up? (SPOILER ALERT) They all have amazingly long death scenes! And the only one that put a lump in my throat was the dog actor (Marley, not Segall).

Beth and I went to the movies and saw Marley & Me last night. It was cute, funny, a bit predictable, but generally heartwarming. And holy cow, they dragged out that dog's last days! I kept whispering, "Get my gun, boy - Old Yeller's going home!"

Shortly after Marley's demise, the credits rolled and I looked around to see many people wiping tears from their eyes. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love dogs and even Homeward Bound got me a bit choked up at the end, but I felt a bit manipulated after this one.

Regardless, if you own a pet, it's good to celebrate life with them but to honestly think about their eventual death. Especially cats. Think about that lots. In fact, if there's any possible way to save yourself and your feline future unnecessary suffering by snuffing out it's life with a pillow today, I suggest that route.

Dog owners, prepare to hug your best friend after seeing Marley & Me, you'll both need it....

Left Turn, Clyde...

2008-11-17T17:34:00.000-08:00

Yeehaw! You know the Nascar racing circuit in the deep south of the US of A? The race where all the cars drive in a big oval, always turning LEFT?? Well I got to participate in a Nas-cart event this week at the local Save-On-Foods, but I don't think I won.

All I know is that the stupid cart I was driving had a busted wheel and was always veering to the left. In order to make a right hand turn, I would have to lurch my whole body behind the thing. It began to leave black wheel marks all over the store as the cart got heavier and heavier, so eventually I just gave up and kept going left in increasingly smaller circles.

Here's how my route looked:
Produce aisle, meat area, milk aisle, back to row 1, row 8, row 2, row 7, row 3, row 6 (oops missed the sliced cans of peaches - gotta get back to row 3 eventually), row 4, row 5, row 3 (again), bread area (hit another cart with wobbly wheel troubles too)... then to get into the check-out line it took 4 of us to turn the cart to the right (or I could have swung through the pharmacy and bulk foods, trying to line up a run through produce).

Man, I needed a pit crew!

Oh no. I missed the cereal, diapers and toilet paper! That stuff's not important, is it? I'll get it next week....

Chip Off The Old...

2008-11-09T08:17:00.000-08:00

I think I've found my new favourite type of chips. They are Baked Ruffles, cheddar and sour cream flavour. Very nice. On the packaging, however, it reads "Naturally Baked". Beth and I were wondering what that means exactly.

Could these fully processed and flavoured chips be left on a rock in a desert somewhere to bake "naturally"? I think they are packaged out east, so maybe there are some squirrels in an Ontario forest with an oven fired up to complete Ruffles' final step of the process (my daughter reminds me that even an Easy Bake oven would be too complicated for squirrels to operate, so maybe this suggestion is far-fetched...).

Got an idea of how thousands of bags of chips could be "naturally baked"? Leave a comment below. In the meantime I'll consider writing a letter to the Ruffles people to get the definitive answer to this all important mystery. Hope their response isn't as half-baked as the question....

Church Work Day...

2008-09-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

A couple times a year our church sponsors a day when members can come and help clean up the building and the surrounding areas. Today was one of those days, and boy, I sure didn't feel like getting out of bed this morning. I played ball hockey til after midnight last night (I'm sore today), hung out with my nephew Josh for a while afterward, and then didn't end up getting to sleep until quite early this morning. But needless to say, I dragged myself to the church and started doing one of the many yardwork tasks that needed to be done (after fighting with the ancient church lawnmower for a while first - "Come OUT, you foul pull-start impeding, gas-mixture disturbing demons from the underworld!").

For the past 2 or 3 weeks I had been advertising the church work day with the youth group. I trumpeted the merits of pitching in and lending a hand, and of doing something that is selfless and giving back to the community. But you know teenagers. I know teenagers, too. I used to be one! So, in all honesty, I had low expectations.

However, one teenager did show up. It was the one who is often disruptive in meetings. It was the one who picked a fight with another kid and then later tried to embarrass me at youth camp. It was the one who often takes prime opportunities to be silly, to the point of major immaturity, in an effort to be noticed by everyone.

It was Heng. And in my tired, possibly grumpified state, I thought I would have to work extra hard to get him involved in the work day.

Was I ever wrong.

I asked Heng what he'd like to do, and he simply replied, "whatever you ask me to do, Dairn." I had him sweep sidewalks, while I mowed (and fought) with the lawn mower. Then I asked Heng to pick up garbage all around the daycare grounds and our bus parking lot. He gladly worked, by himself, making the place look a whole lot better.

Heng isn't the fastest worker. He's not the most conscientious. His thick glasses make it difficult to see every scrap of garbage to be picked up and every pine needle to be swept. But he was the only representative from our church youth group there. And he worked 3 hours today, without breaks, and without complaining.

I'm sure that others had important things to do today. And I'm also sure that some just didn't want to get out of bed (me included). But working with Heng brought me a fresh perspective and a jolt of joy. Over pizza lunch, Heng told me that later today he would be working to help his mom clean his house at home and take piano lessons as well. I offered him a ticket to come with me to the football game tonight, but he politely declined saying "it's not really my thing."

I already told him this in person, but thought I'd write it down too. Heng, thanks for the work you put in today. Thanks for being so willing to do whatever I asked because you "just want to help". I'm really proud of you buddy!

One last thing, not that this should make any difference, is that Heng has a form of autism and he struggles in social and learning situations. It didn't hinder him today though, as he turned the tables and taught ME a thing or two about serving....

A Rolling Stone Gathers No...

2008-09-18T21:50:00.000-07:00

Late in August I began to have some back pain. It was in my lower back and I figured it was just because I had been fighting with a roof-top travel "pod thingy" (that's the technical term - the original Latin is extraluggagious frustratus) on the van all the way back from the Okanagan. I didn't have a key to lock it, so every time I went over 100kph (that's 60 for you 'mericans), it would flip open and the lid would flap in the wind. Of course, other freaked out drivers would wave and honk and point, and I'd just give a knowing smile and pull over (again) to secure our empty pod thingy.

All that to say that I thought my back was sore from the stretching way up to put that sucker back in place more than a half dozen times. But, alas, it wasn't the issue. It turns out that no amount of exercise or Advil was gonna cure that lower left back pain. And one night it was particularly excruciating, so I gave in... I made an appointment to see the doctor.

He didn't touch my back. He never even looked at it. I just explained everything and he said, "Well, there's muscle, a kidney, and a urinary tract back there. I'd guess you passed a kidney stone into your bladder - that was the pain you've been experiencing." He went on to encourage me to "catch" the stone when it finally came out, because they can apparently test them to see how it was formed and such. He rambled on about how passing a kidney stone into the bladder is probably the closest a man would ever come to realizing the pain of childbirth, blah, blah.

I didn't really hear much because I was thinking about the second phase of this kidney stone experience (and the pain it might produce), and believe me, catching the thing was not high on my priority list! Needless to say, I've been looking down into urinals more than I have in the past. So far, nada, zilch, nothing.

Phew.

The kidney stone thing was painful, but if it's anything close to the size of a baby, that scream you'll be hearing from clear across the continent will be me....

Excuse Me...

2008-07-12T09:29:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how those two little words can make all the difference. If said with proper eye contact and a smile, they could get you into Fort Knox. But on Thursday, people only needed to say it in order to squeeze by me in a crowded department store. No such luck.

All told, four separate people waited for me or tried to schlunk past me in the aisles of the men's clothing and toy areas, without even a peep. Just impatient glares. One old man was even shoving me with his cart, wanting to get to the belts and hats (in an area too small for his cart, I might add). How rude. A simple, "excuse me", would have solved everything. I would have turned to see him behind me and politely made more room for him by scrunching myself into the racks of men's Speedos until his ramming-speed cart made it past (only to get himself stuck in the too-small area and being forced to make impossible u-turn maneuvers).

If it hadn't been 4 different people within a span of about 5 minutes not using the universally known, "pardon me" or "excuse me" (in conjunction with a genuine smile), I probably wouldn't be blogging this. Anyways, next time you're trying to get past someone in order to grab the last pair of pom-pom socks on the shelf, be polite and say "excuse me". You'll be surprised at how far that gets you, and how less irritated those around you will become.

In other news, with the high price of fuel, I'm working on some money-saving tips for everyone:
- Drive fast so that you reach your destination sooner (less time on the road equals less fuel being consumed)
- Shave the hair on your left arm (lowers wind resistance when you put your arm out the window)
- Don't pay for gas (this is self-explanatory)
- Inflate your tires to their proper levels, and deflate everyone else's
- Organize the hostile takeover of a multinational oil company (then drive, drive, drive!)

More to come as I test each and every piece of money-saving advice for you in advance....

Kongradyoulayshuns...

2008-06-14T20:20:00.000-07:00

How do YOU spell 'congratulations'? Well, if you spell it like I just did (over there to the left, like 16 words ago), then you spell it correctly. If you spell it with a 'd' (congradulations), then you're wrong. 'Congrads' - also wrong, even when saying it to a graduate. Wrong.

This friendly spelling reminder is brought to you by the father of Luke Peters, who received approximately 43% of all congratulations emails and Facebook messages spelled incorrectly (although I do love and appreciate the heart-felt sentiment of each and every note!).

For those of you who got it right, kongradyoulayshuns....

Luke, I Am Your Father...

2008-06-10T22:42:00.000-07:00

...And this is gonna hurt a bit.

My little boy, Luke, was born 11 days ago (May 31st) amidst much pomp and fanfare. Seriously, there were trumpets blaring and autograph seekers in the delivery room. Well, maybe not. I actually got a little light headed when he finally made his grand entrance, so excuse me if things seemed blurry while the room was spinning.

Dairn Luke Peters was born at 7:46am and weighed 8lb 11oz. Beth planned the delivery perfectly, even telling me 3 hours earlier how the day would go. She was bang on, and popped out another beautiful Peters kid. The FINAL one, she loudly and succinctly announced to me and everyone else in the room while in the throes of labour.

So, to recap, in the past 11 days Luke has:
- Learned to eat (a lot!)
- Slept (a lot - usually when we weren't)
- Charmed numerous aunties and other random females
- Pooped (leading to a smelly leakage all over my shirt)
- Eyed us suspiciously while holding him
- Fallen asleep in my arms a few times (*melt*)
- And somehow managed to pee straight up into the air and have it land all over his own face!

Which catches us up to today: D-Day. The "this-may-pinch-a-little" day. Following this morning's visit to the doctor, the poor little guy is already a little less of a man at 11 days old. And it's not just all pain for Lukie, nosirree. Did you know that circumcisions aren't covered under my extended health medical coverage?? That's $150 right out of my wallet! That hits a guy right in the... well, we'll just say "no pain, no gain".

What? Nooo, don't pity me at all. One day when Luke gets a paper route, he can pay me back interest free....

Might As Well Jump...

2008-05-28T11:50:00.000-07:00

I heard an ad on the radio today for Flight Center and some of their current rates on flights from Vancouver. You can travel to Las Vegas, Cancun, or London for only $99. But if you want to catch a flight to Toronto, you'll have to pay $299, which is still not too bad.

I've got a money-saving idea: Buy a ticket to London, England (for only $99), and find a good deal on a parachute (better yet, borrow one). Then simply ask the pilot to slow down a bit when the 747 is over Ontario, crack the door, and voilà! You'll be gently floating down from 37,000 feet towards sunny Toronto, with an extra $200 in your back pocket.

Sheesh, I should be selling this kind of advice instead of giving it away for free....

Takin' Care Of Business...

2008-04-28T11:58:00.000-07:00

Today I am helping at the memorial service for Hazel Emerson who passed away a couple weeks ago. Hazel was a long time member of our church, and she always had an encouraging smile for everyone, young or old, in attendance. I'll be assisting by leading a couple congregational hymns, and by also singing a special song or two.

An interesting tidbit about Hazel, is that she is the great aunt of Randy Bachman, one of the founding members of BTO (Bachman Turner Overdrive). I doubt that Randy will be at the service today, but just in case, I'll be memorizing the words to "American Woman" so that I'm prepared to take requests.

Luckily, Chris Archer brought his karaoke machine over to our house a couple weeks ago and we did a duet of "Takin' Care Of Business" through a two dollar mic and a 5" speaker. And only a few months ago I had to sing an Elvis song at a memorial service (gotta work on my hip action a bit, yeesh).

If you are a friend or relative reading this, please don't request any Barry White, Celine Dion, or AC/DC at your funeral, ok? (Well, maybe AC/DC, that'd be cool) Thanks in advance....

Immeasurable Power...

2008-03-02T10:06:00.000-08:00

When you hear the words, "immeasurable power," what do you think of? Hurricane force winds? The Incredible Hulk? Or perhaps a pair of old, smelly gym socks?

I saw a Toyota Tundra commercial last night. They said that the truck had "immeasurable power." What a mystery! I am tempted to look into the purchase of such an inexplicable vehicle.

Then right away, this came up on the screen: 381hp

So the immeasurable power of the Toyota Tundra is measured at 381 horse power. Well, mystery solved. Bummer....

Diet Coke Up The Nose (Almost)...

2008-02-15T16:40:00.000-08:00

I read the Get Fuzzy comic in the paper today at the food court, and a line in it made me laugh out loud. "You fight like a drowsy Swiss toddler!" Oh my goodness, having a 3 year-old at home just compounds the imagery there! Please note that no actual Swiss were harmed in today's comic strip, so you can forego the nasty comments from any readers in the neutral army out there....

Peripheral Driving...

2008-02-15T08:28:00.000-08:00

I got to watch about 20 minutes of Disney's Beauty And The Beast yesterday. I missed some of the best parts, however, because the SUV in front of me turned off the road (that screen hanging down between the front seats was pretty small anyway, and without hearing any sound you lose a bit of the plot). It was pretty cool being entertained while monotonously driving in Surrey, crossing the Port Mann Bridge, then heading for PoCo. Although there were some minor annoyances. For instance, every time the screen got bigger, I realized I needed to apply the brakes or I'd be in the SUV with those people ("Uh, hi... popcorn?"). And a couple times the kid in the back seat would raise his arms in the air blocking my view of the screen (a quick honk and a, "Down in front, I can't see the stupid candle guy with the French accent!" and things would return to normal).

Alas, I never saw the end. And I can't remember if the beauty slays the beast, or if the beast eats her up with a nice chianti. Oh well, today I'll be cruising behind minivans looking for The Little Mermaid....

General Apology...

2008-02-08T08:13:00.000-08:00

Just a quick, "so very sorry," to everyone out there. I'm pretty sure that I am the cause for the line being so slow.

If your car lane is slower than it should be, and it seems like every other lane is quicker, it's probably because I'm driving somewhere in that lane. If your grocery line is slower than the one next to it, I'm probably in it somewhere (I don't even have to be at the front of the line for this mysterious ailment to take effect). At Costco, movie theatres, the police station, anywhere I have to be in a lineup, it's like time suddenly s l o w s down and everyone starts looking at their watches, getting testy. Well, I've come to the conclusion that it must be me.

So, next time the line is slow at the bank, the driver's license place, or Disneyland, you've got someone to blame it on now. Sorry about that. My bad....

Ferris Wheel 1 Has Broken Down...

2008-01-30T11:18:00.000-08:00

I have virtually conquered my fear of roller coasters.

What I mean is, I build them while playing Roller Coaster Tycoon rather than actually riding them, because... well, there's a lot less vomit involved. Actual vomit. Of course with my parks, there's lots of "virtual vomit." That's what the handymen are for!

My daughter got the Roller Coaster Tycoon game in a box of cereal a couple years ago (probably Honey Nut Cheerios or something), and we've been playing for a few weeks now. It's a ton of fun, and rather addictive. I've been helping her with different aspects of her parks: the placement of various rides and attractions; working on walkways, park benches and food stalls; and giving her name suggestions for some of her fun creations. But on the sly, I've been building some of my own parks, and creating vicious, virtual creatures that I would hate for even my worst enemy to ride. It's been fun!

But don't worry if faces are a little green exiting my latest scream machine, I'll just hire another handyman to do a bit of sweeping....

They're Magically Delicious...

2008-01-29T12:59:00.000-08:00

I bought a new cap yesterday at Wal-Mar... err, I mean, Zellers.

Just a side note: Does anyone else feel guilty for shopping at Wal-Mart? I mention it in hushed tones depending on who's within earshot, sometimes. But to tell you the truth, their child labour practices and overuse of the smiley face stickers aside, I love shopping there.

I was looking for snow pants for Jayce because, well, it's snowing and she'd like to play in said snow. Who am I to stop the innocent yearnings of a young heart in the wintertime? While I was there, I bought this Lucky Charms hat. I saw it, I liked it, and I purchased it. How's that for impulse buying? Actually I bought two. You'll be able to purchase the other one at an inflated price on eBay soon. Watch for it.

Anyways, there's something I want to ask you: What is your favourite cereal? I've got quite a few that I like, but Corn Pops and Froot Loops are right up there.

Fire your responses under comments, unless it's Red River cereal, then I don't wanna know....

Bloggin, Bloggin, Bloggin, Keep Them Doggies Bloggin, Rawhide...!

2008-01-11T10:13:00.000-08:00

Well, well, well, Mr. Bond, we meet again. I don't know how you found me, but I do know you'll like what I have up my sleeve for your surprise visit today... a laser death ray!!

Phew, got that out of my system.

Wow, it's 2008 already? I've been asleep for a LONG time! There are some old songs rolling around in my head this morning. See if they make any sense to you:
"(dun, dun, dun) Another one blogs the dust." - Queen
"Does anybody really know what blog it is? Does anybody really care?" - Chicago
"If I had a million bloggers..." - Barenaked Ladies
"American blogger, stay away from me..." - BTO
"What's blog got to do, got to do with it?" - Tina Turner
"Shot through the blog, and you're to blame..." - Bon Jovi
"Might as well blog (blog!), go ahead and blog." - Van Halen
"I found my blog, on blueberry hill..." - Fats Domino
"Raise a little blog, raise a little blog, raise a little, blog!" - Trooper

That's my inspirational thought for the day. Hope one of those classics gets caught in your head for a while! In the meantime, I'll see you back on Facebook....

Catch Me If You Can...

2007-05-07T12:34:00.000-07:00

Oh, you caught me... finally!

Yeah, yeah, it's been too long, I admit. But it seems like there have been better things to do than blog, recently. Like working on that cure to cancer in my basement, or developing a defense mechanism for keeping kids off old people's lawns, or smuggling Bibles into Montana. Haha, ok... you caught me! I don't actually have a basement.

Well, besides managing my fantasy baseball team and catching up on Battlestar Gallactica episodes, there were a few things that have happened. Let's review my life since I turned old on my birthday, shall we?

* A birthday party happened at my place on March 17th (St. Patrick's Day). Everyone wore green and Beth made green appetizers as well (the Lucky Charms with green milk were my favourite touch).

* We took the kids to Crash Crawley's and Chuck E. Cheese for some fun days during Spring Break. It took some convincing, but we got Jayce to keep all her tickets so that she can get a better prize next time we go - they are making money hand over fist with the junk they try to pass off as prizes! (Meanwhile, I took my suction cup ball and plastic paratrooper home gleefully... of course the ball never worked and the parachute was ripped).

* I was in a ball hockey tournament at the end of March. Our team finished in the top four. Not bad for a bunch of "Spleens!"

* The Good Friday Experience was really cool! If you missed it - seriously, you missed out.

*P'wned by Schooner at least 3 more times this month...

* Finished teaching my class at the college. That was a good experience, and I even got my marking handed it on time (and I failed my first student!).

* Got Typhoid, Hep A, and Tetanus vaccinations for my upcoming trip to the Philippines. Also got a prescription for Malaria pills and "tummy trouble" meds... hmmm, maybe I should stay home?

* Took Kylan to get a haircut. I held his arms, Beth held his head, the haircut lady held his head and cut his hair. He screamed, and writhed, and cried, and snotted all the way through it. From the street, it probably looked like we were performing an exorcism. "Come OFF of him, you foul hair demons!!" It took 6 hands, but he finally looked like a little boy again (if I might say so myself, that kid sure is cute!).

* The same haircut day, Jayce found a ladybug. It crawled all over her hand and arm - she was so excited. She spent about 15 minutes taking care of that insect. Then it spread its little wings, flew off her finger, and landed right on her LIP. From joy to "freak-out" in .03 seconds!! I'd like to announce that the lady bug did survive it's massive fall from Jayce's face to the concrete below.

* A couple days ago I was at the mall food court. A table of about 8-10 people, all in their 40's and 50's, were enjoying a meal together. They were laughing. A lot. It started out fine, and normal. Then it got silly and weird. These people (think, old hippie-types) started laughing loudly and slapping the tables... they egged each other on to laugh more and more outrageously. Then about 6-8 twenty-somethings at the tables across from them started laughing. They would point across to each other and laugh. Then one person would stand up, go to the other table, and laugh at them in their faces... this made everyone... LAUGH! I was having a hard time not giggling as I watched, and within 5-10 minutes there was a large crowd, 75-100 people, watching and laughing with the "laughers." It was surreal! It started innocently enough, but it had become very strange. It was no longer genuine, but a one-upmanship thing going on. Who could laugh the hardest, the loudest, the strangest... they were standing, holding their bellies, pointing... and laughing. I was wondering when security would come. I mean, they weren't doing anything evil, just disruptive and terribly silly. A guard finally came and walked into the middle of it. I felt bad for him because they all pointed at him and laughed - this got many onlookers laughing too. He smiled, talked to one of the younger people (who didn't start it) and escorted him out. The older folks, especially one guy (I felt bad for him because he was supposed to be mature but was looking like an idiot), laughed at the young guy and the guard. And then everyone just dispersed. It was really weird.

* Last thing. Yesterday, Jayce and Kylan pointed out an ambulance parked on the side of the street with it's lights flashing. Sure enough, it was on Kingsway in front of "Death By Chocolate." It all made sense now....

Happy Birthday To Me...

2007-03-16T13:01:00.000-07:00

"They say it's your birthday... it's my birthday too, yeah!"

I slept in today... I went to the doctor today... I got antibiotics for my bronchitis today... and then I opened the door to my balloon and streamer-filled office... today! Thanks for brightening things up, JTJ!

Today I am 37. It is significant because it is the same age my dad turned when I was born. He is going to be 74 this year, so I am exactly half his age. I'll never be half his age ever again... I'll always be catching up to him. My dad is great. Watch out behind you, dad!

In other news, I had a really funny post idea a few days ago, but for the life of me I can't remember it. If you see it lying around anywhere (maybe under the cushions on your couch), send it my way, ok? 'Appreciate it....

Poop Truce...

2007-02-28T11:04:00.000-08:00

* An open letter to the birds doing their dirty work on my car.

To whom it may concern:

Dear sir/madam/winged creature,

I have been the target of your smear campaign for the past week and it is getting tiring. I get to my car after a hard day in the office and your residue is splattered all over my rear window and windshield. It's as if you and your crow-horts have a personal vendetta against me. I have checked and double-checked my parking situation, and there are no overhead wires or tree limbs for which to perch and poop. Yet day after day, your projectiles have been plainly plastered on my paint in a seemingly premeditated pattern. Am I parked in a bird flight path of some kind? Is there a mandatory dumping that must occur before landing on the hedge in front of my car? Are there flying ostriches (as the sheer volume has been incredible)?

I must insist that your bombings cease immediately, or your actions will be repaid in an escalated manner (I own a pellet gun). Thank you for your quick consideration to my letter.

Sincerely,

Dairn M Peters
Dodge Colt (red) Plate# WMJ 600

PS If this letter has been incorrectly directed, please accept my humble apology to the birds of the Burnaby area, and pass on this note to the squirrel with the obvious tummy troubles....

Dramatization...

2007-02-20T09:07:00.000-08:00

Have you noticed that television commercials have become a lawyer's playground? For example, I was watching an ad for an SUV. As it drove down a back road in the forest, it magically sprouted a hovercraft body and "floated" over a large puddle, showing it's smooth ride over rough terrain. At the bottom of the screen in tiny letters was the word, "Dramatization."

Okay, I guess I can imagine some smart aleck or backwoods hobo going into the Toyota dealership and asking for the 2007 Hovercraft SUV, and then threatening to sue because they don't have one. Then there's the Jenny Craig commercials that spout, "I lost 20 pounds in 30 days" or whatever, but below it slyly reads "Results not typical." So most people don't lose that kind of weight, they gain it like me, while eating Cheetos and watching Jenny Craig commercials.

But have you seen that Energizer commercial?? It put me over the edge. An alien spacecraft has crash-landed on earth, and I guess they've just gotta get back home before re-runs of ALF start. Along comes the Energizer Bunny, and they hook him up with some cosmic jumper cables. Well, wouldn't you know it, that non-coppertop has enough juice to not only fire up the alien spacecraft, but to keep going and going and going, thumping that stupid drum. During the jump-start scene, there are those lawyer words again, "This is only a dramatization." Nooooo, really??? You mean bunnies banging drums don't go around boosting the hyper-drive units of helpless, stranded ET's?

Like, how stupid are we supposed to be? Does Energizer think we're going to ask for something they can't provide? "Well shoot, George, I'm gonna git me one of them Toyoter UFO's that runs on them bunny batt'ries!" I long for the day when the TV viewer was smarter, and the TV executives weren't so afraid of sue-age. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and overdramatic. Umm, nope, because I've got those lawyer words below.

"This is NOT a dramatization...."

Jones Soda Spelling Snafu...

2007-02-02T10:06:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I have a couple friends (we'll call them Jily and Laki) who have a jones for Jones Soda, Fu-Fu Berry flavour. I like the stuff too, and if you ask them they'll blame me for causing their entry-level addictions, but I am not to blame for their soon-to-be-not-famous-at-all "Fu-Fu Berry high five." I digress.

Recently, they have been searching for the red elixor at corner stores and gas stations and haven't been able to procure any Fu-Fu Berry soda. I thought this strange, so during my trip to Surrey yesterday I decided to drop by a few places and surprise them with my innate ability to successfully forage for Fu-Fu.

At the Chevron gas station, kitty-corner to the Johnston Heights Evangelical Free Church on 152nd Street, I looked at the glass case in dismay, as their Jones Soda selection was somewhat pitiful. As I was leaving the store, the man behind the counter asked if he could help me. I told him I was looking for Fu-Fu Berry flavoured Jones Soda. He said that he would look into ordering it, and proceeded to write it down on a piece of paper. However, in his ethnicity (and me in mine, I might add), he wrote down, "Jones Soda - Fruit Berry." I kindly repeated the name, Fu-Fu Berry, and he kindly repeated, Fruit Berry, back to me.

Now, if I was thinking about ten steps ahead of the game (like a champion chess player or captain of the Enterprise, Jean Luc Picard, for example), I might not have made the mistake of trying to tell him the correct spelling... out loud... to his face.

"No, it's Fu-Fu Berry, that's f-u, f-u..." At this point, my mind just realized what I said to the poor man (f...u, f...u), and I actually reached for his little pencil he was writing with. He repeated, "fruit berry??" to me in his broken english. I replied, "umm, no. It's Fu-Fu... (by this time I'm feeling rather silly saying Fu-Fu) ... f-u... f-... ummm, never mind. Thanks anyways."

Makes you wonder if this is exactly the scenario those Jones Soda people were snickering about when they thought up the Fu-Fu Berry name....

Would You Rather... #3

2007-01-23T11:54:00.000-08:00

Be thrown a surprise birthday party, or organize and plan your own birthday party....?

Free Snow Tires...

2007-01-15T21:48:00.000-08:00

Wow, they are giving away free sets of snow tires at the Canadian Tire store on Marine Drive. They came with the $500 no-name brand flyswatter I bought. Quick, go down there and buy your flyswatter today! Now I'm looking forward to the fresh snowfall tonight AND the influx of wasps around our house in the summer....

Almost Famous Sayings...

2007-01-10T10:25:00.000-08:00

I recently found the remains of an exercise that I made the people in our youth group do over two years ago. The task was to rewrite the endings to famous sayings. Here are some of the hilarious results:

* The pen is mightier than... a dull pencil. (Tyler)
* Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... they laugh at you. (Paul)
* Two is company, three is... government. (Chris)
* You can lead a horse to water but... why even try? (Keith)
* You can't teach an old dog... to love your new cat. (Jaki?)
* Don't bite the hand that... just swatted a mosquito. (Tamara)
* You get out of something what you... climb out of. (Dairn)
* Children should be seen and not... dead. (Nathan)
* You can lead a horse to water but... I can't lead a horse to water. (Paul)
* Two is company, three is... plenty, four is squared, five is odd. (Jaki?)
* You can't teach an old dog... to dress with fashion sense. (Dairn)
* Children should be seen and not... smelled. (Tyler)
* Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... your nose will run. (Tamara)
* You can't teach an old dog... to make fripps. (Keith)
* You can lead a horse to water but... he'll have to pee. (Chris)

Okay, readers, here's your challenge for the comments section. Write a new ending to one of these famous sayings:
1) Better to be safe than...
2) Strike while the...
3) It's always darkest before the...
4) A penny saved is...

Just remember: if at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you....

Long Arm Of The Bao...

2006-12-19T10:05:00.000-08:00

Beijing - The long arms of the world's tallest man saved two dolphins in northeast China by reaching inside of them to remove plastic they had swallowed, state media reported yesterday. (Dec 15/2006) STORY

Did you read about this? The man named Bao Xishun is a seven-foot, eight-inch herdsman from Inner Mongolia, and his arm could reach into the stomachs of the dolphins where surgical instruments could not. I wonder how they ever thought of contacting this man?

"Nurse, this retractor is too short to reach into the dolphin's stomach. If only we knew someone with a really long, skinny arm. Quick, call Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. If he's not available, give the Guinness World Records people a shout. They might know of a person who is exceptionally tall, locally available, and who doesn't fear losing a limb to razor sharp dolphin teeth."

I'm sure Bao was wondering if his great height would be used for any reason other than saving goats and yaks from tall trees. I guess now he has realized his porpoise. Or porpoises....

To Celebrate My Centennial...

2006-12-10T18:43:00.000-08:00

You are reading my 100th post. Congratulate yourself! To celebrate, I thought I would share a couple of Jayce's poems. The first one was written over a month ago at school all by herself (as you can tell from her spelling of "poem") using the words "leaves" and "pumpkins," that her teacher had put on the board.

A PUOIM (Oct 26/06)
Leaves
Who r you
I am a leaves
Who r you
I am a pumpkins

Today she wrote this instant classic. Behold:

Boys love toys
Girls love pirls (pearls)
Men like ten
Women like men,
Like men like ten

There's wisdom in this Dr. Seuss-inspired work somewhere. Now if we only knew what "ten" was, we could figure out one of the ancient secrets of the universe - to what degree do women like men....

Real Men Don't Eat Quiche...

2006-12-01T00:22:00.000-08:00

But I hope they buy it! I did a Costco run today, with my list of necessary items for the Ladies' Tea this Saturday at the church. Sausage rolls, cheese and crackers, mandarin oranges, Christmas cookies, nanaimo bars, and mini quiches. I was instructed to get 200 of everything, but I only got 180 of the quiches (shhhh!). Besides, who in their right mind, having a choice between a nanaimo bar and a quiche, would choose the flaky (to coin a term) pastry?

Speaking of the macho gender, guys sure don't do much to dispel that "men are pigs" accusation, do they? I used the restroom facilities at the aforementioned Costco, and looking into the urinal I counted 5 pieces of chewed up and discarded gum. Like, what? Was it a competition of some kind to plug up the holes in the drain? Maybe the second, third, fourth and fifth guys just thought, "anything he can do, I can do better." Or maybe it was a type of bathroom art? Whatever their issue, I hope that there weren't more guys whose gum just didn't quite make it all the way.

In other news, Kylan can't pronounce "snow" yet. He calls it, "nose." Cute, eh? Let it nose, let it nose, let it nose....

What A Honker...

2006-11-24T10:08:00.000-08:00

Last night, the worship team went out to a play together (Cariboo Magi) at Pacific Theatre in Vancouver. It was a lot of fun as the characters were bold and colourful, and the theatre is small and intimate. If you ever get the chance, check them out because they always do a really good job.

Anyways, on our way to the theatre, Beth and I were driving through some heavy traffic due to construction, and at one point, all the cars were forced to take a detour off the main street. As the lineup of vehicles needed to make a left turn across traffic at an uncontrolled intersection, the flow was slow. However, I guess the lady behind us thought it would be helpful to keep honking at people who were not forcing their way through traffic. She would also routinely honk at, and finger, vehicles coming in the opposite direction who failed to allow traffic to pass in front of them. It got to be quite comical, as people in the other lane were looking around as if to say, "why is someone honking? Can't they see we're all stuck in traffic?" Then they would see her and she would finger them (or give them "half a peace sign," as my father-in-law once said). Beth and I were laughing at her consistency and insistency, as car after car bore her wrath.

Can you imagine if it actually helped her to honk and finger people? The traffic would part like the Red Sea, and she'd cross intersections unimpeded like the Israelites long before her. The only problem is that if Moses fingered Pharoah, it worked in reverse - the sea fell back in on him and his whole Egyptian army. But don't quote me on that, I may be reading into the text a bit. Peace dude....

Riiiicolaaaa...

2006-11-21T09:42:00.000-08:00

The package tells me that if I have a sore throat due to a cold, I should dissolve a Ricola Swiss Herb Cough Drop slowly in my mouth. Repeat as often as I feel it necessary. Well, I was eating them like candy until I read what was in each organically-grown-in-Swiss-mountain-areas Ricola. There is a 3.2mg herb mixture of horehound, speedwell, ribwort, thyme, mallow, burnet, marshmallow and parsley piert. Now I envision a group of witches with big black hats stirring a cauldron of bubbling herbal potion, coating each lozenge with ribwort and horehound, whatever those things are. Yikes, maybe that's why I'm addicted!

Oh well, the non-medicinal ingredients brought me some reassurance: sugar, glucose syrup, caramel sugar, natural flavorings. Phew, comfort food. But not a drop of cola to be found. Hmmm....

Snap, Crackle, Cash...

2006-11-10T09:12:00.000-08:00

Ok, so the other day I remember that I had placed $30 in my back pocket and forgot to take it out before my pants went into the washer. I grabbed the folded, wet bills before they were thrown in the dryer and was waving them back and forth to dry them off.

Then I had a brainstorm: the microwave! I placed the bills flat in the nuker, set it for 10 seconds, and walked away. "That oughta help," I thought. About 5 seconds later I was running towards the fireworks coming from inside the cat cooker, frantically pushing at the buttons to end the cash crispifying that was going on. I hadn't really thought about the metal strip embedded in our Canadian moolah and it's possible tendency to spark when being deluged by waves of micro energy. Anyways, the cash was warm and damp, but no worse for wear. Chalk that one up to having a blonde moment.

In other news, my father-in-law and I are wearing the exact same shirt today. I think it's a sign that I should have stayed in bed....

It's In The Cards...

2006-11-02T11:12:00.000-08:00

This post has 3 stories loosely associated with "cards."

LIBRARY CARD
The other day I was dropping off some books at the library, and I was about to put 5 cents in the parking meter because I only needed 2 minutes, when this guy unloading boxes from the bookmobile started yelling, "no, no, no, no!" He was so adamant, it was as though I were a bomb technician about to cut the blue wire, when I should really be snipping the red one. I stopped and looked, expecting something serious, when he simply pointed out that it wasn't 8am yet, and that I didn't need to put any change in the meter. Phew! Saved me from unnecessarily contributing my nickel to the city of Burnaby. Hey, thanks bookmobile guy!

BASEBALL CARDS
Did you watch the St. Louis Cardinals (the 'Cards) win the World Series? Neither did anyone else, it was one of the lowest TV ratings championships ever. Thinking about the Cards, however, reminded me about another bird baseball team, the Baltimore Orioles. During the season, first baseman, Jay Gibbons, was hounding the Baltimore management to increase the safety netting behind home plate. He was sure that eventually someone would be hurt by an errant hit. He was right. This summer, HE fouled a ball back over the netting to hit a woman in the ribs. Guess who it was? His WIFE!

HOTEL KEY CARD
I was in Canmore for a conference last week and one afternoon I went to a mall. Going into Zellers to get a newspaper, I noticed the store security alarm dinging when I entered. Then it happened when I entered and exited Sportchek, and again at a dollar store. I figured it must have been my hotel key card tripping the sensors, because I had yet to purchase anything. It would be a good excuse if you were ever stealing things from stores and the alarms sounded. Just whip out the hotel key card, "it must be this, not the massive amount of stolen goods bulging under my jacket."

Or maybe the alarms went off because of the metal plate in my head, I can't be sure....

Laptism...

2006-10-11T10:50:00.000-07:00

It was my privilege to perform 5 baptisms at our service this past Sunday. It is always a joyful experience and one filled with nervous expectation on the part of the baptism candidates. Of course, showing up to find the baptism tank nearly empty doesn't help at all.

The janitors filled up the tank during their Thursday night shift and circulated hot water through it until Sunday morning. However, it turns out there was a crack in the bottom step of the tank, and almost all of the water escaped over the weekend. So early Sunday morning, they did a makeshift patch job on the step and were filling the tank with a garden hose when I arrived. It seemed to be working fine, except that the water was quite frigid! After the hot water tank was drained from the main building, we took 5 gallon buckets and filled them with hot water from the activity centre building across the parking lot. After about 75 gallons of hot water, the tank was at least tepid and somewhat bearable. We turned off the hose when the water level reached near capacity, and hoped for the best. The service was to start in 10 minutes, and the plan was to do the baptism ceremony after the worship time (about 30 minutes after the start of the service).

In about 2 minutes I noticed a distinct lowering of the waterline. The patch job was not holding the water. We threw some more buckets of hot water into the tank up until the beginning of the service, but we couldn't keep up with the leak. Rub-a-dub-dub, everybody into the tub!

We sang one song then filed people into the tank one at a time for the baptisms. I was fortunate to have a big strong guy helping me throughout the ceremony because we needed to plunge people low in order for the water to create a wave that would lap against the side of the tank and wash back over them in order to get them wet! It was pretty crazy but it worked - just in time to be standing in a puddle after the service. Drying off, I realized I was only wet up to my knees when I am normally soaked up to my belly button.

Later that afternoon, on the way to a wedding reception downtown Vancouver, we saw a frogman. He was wearing a full wetsuit from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet, running up Denman from the ocean. That was weird.

Or maybe it was perfectly normal for that kind of day....

Dit Doo And More...

2006-09-28T22:57:00.000-07:00

A few random musings.

When I spoke at church last week, I asked people about their favourite TV shows. One answer was "Sha Na Na" and that broke me up laughing! What a bizarre 1970's show title to mention in church - awesome! Anyways, two days later, it was the answer to one of the clues in the newspaper crossword puzzle. Sha Na Na! How crazy is that?

I used the stairwell at the Save-On-Foods parking garage and noticed that they cleaned and pressure washed it. Now it smells like urine AND soap. Nice.

Dit doo. No, it's not a Sha Na Na song lyric, but that's how my 2 year old son says thank you. "Here's your cereal, Kylan." "Dit doo." It's pretty near darn cute. Yup, he's a polite little guy when he's not throwing things at your head.

It's hockey pool time again! My favourite time of the year. It's like Christmas for me! (Think I need to get out more often?)

Something in our bathroom struck me funny. Our "American Standard" bathtub and toilet, are both CSA approved (Canadian Standard Association). Ok, maybe I'm the only one thinking that's a little bit funny....

Fast Fact...

2006-09-23T23:28:00.000-07:00

Did you know that you are taller at the beginning of the day than at the end of the day? That's why you have to adjust the rearview mirror when you get into your car to go to work/school/mafia meeting each morning.

The reason for this, of course, is that when you sleep little elves come to your bed and pull on your arms and legs to stretch you. They get taller at the same time, but it's barely noticeable....

My Summer Vacation...

2006-09-09T21:22:00.000-07:00

In honour of all the students who are probably writing about their summers as well, I humbly present (after more than a month away from my blog keyboard), "My Summer Vacation." Okay, well I didn't actually take any vacation this summer, but I did get out of town a bit. Here are the highlights and lowlights:

CREATIONFEST
At the end of July, thirteen of us went down to the Gorge in Washington to see some great bands and speakers. We tented. We went to the beach. We ate at Subway. We saw Jaki on the big screen during the David Crowder Band. We laughed a lot. We had to get the fuel pump repaired. We heard Audio Adrenaline's last performance. We used Honey Buckets. We bought CDs. We ran out of gas. We said, "Hey, how you doin'?" a lot. We ate chicken caesar wraps. We moshed (well, some of us). We bonded. It rocked.

KIDS CAMP
This really should be a post of it's own, it had so many, ahem, "memories." First of all, my camp nickname was Green Lantern, and I had all these Green Lantern pictures and posters on the walls and GL t-shirts to wear and stuff. First camper to walk into my cabin says, "Who's Green Lantern?" Good start, Dairn, ya rookie kids counsellor!

Now, I wouldn't say that half of the 8-10 year old boys in my cabin were fully evil, but let's just say that if they had a good angel and bad angel on each shoulder, the good one must have been bound and gagged and shoved in a closet all week. Lowlights include the kid who went around farting on all the other kids' pillows; the kid who slept in the nude (and the three other boys who thought that was cool and started to "go commando" too); the kid who was just a real jerk already at age 10 (and his proclivity for blaming everyone else for everything, even when I witnessed him beating on a younger kid); the amount of times I wiped pee off the toilet seat; the kid who was sick and barfed for a long time in the middle of the night; the lack of sleep; the attitudes of the twin boys on my team (it turned out better than it began, however); sunscreen leaking inside my suitcase; the cough at the end of the week... It's pretty much all par for the course at Kids Camp, though.

Highlights include the kids with awesome attitudes; watching our great leaders from Kingsway excel in blessing the terrific Kingsway kids; the fun times with my team (go Kung Fu Kings!); and seeing young lives grow over the course of the week.

To sum it all up, I heard those three little words from one of my boys at lunch time that simply made me shake my head and look to the sky... "I just diarrhea'd." It was commando boy, of course!

YOUTH CAMP
Okay, after the surreality of Kids Camp, I returned to the reality of teenagers and Youth Camp. This was my 13th year as a leader, so it's a very comfortable week for me (and it's always nicer to have my family in my cabin with me for a week instead of hellboy and his minions!). Great stuff happened in so many young peoples' lives - it made me really proud of our church and it's leaders. And proud of our teenagers who were listening to God's voice and responding with their lives. And no one whispered those three little words in my ear.

THE PNE
On Labour Day, as is our family tradition, we went to the Pacific National Exhibition and saw the Superdogs, went to the petting zoo, bought some floral gums (soap candies) which I'm eating as I type, watched Hi-5 perform, and got hosed on parking and food prices. Ahhh, there's nothing better to end the summer!

Hopefully I'll get back on track and blog a little more in the coming weeks. Life's just been so busy getting towed out of Creationfest, wiping toilet seats for 9 year olds, getting teenagers into their cabins at night, and taking my awesome kids to the fair.

Life doesn't get any better than this...

Momentary Lapse...

2006-08-05T21:59:00.000-07:00

Being the candy afficianado that I am, it shouldn't have taken me by surprise. Tonight I was reminded that AIR HEADS are definitely not LAFFY TAFFY....

Me And Tom...

2006-07-19T19:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, the other day I began a post about me washing my van and then noticing flying ants landing on the van and circling around my head and landing on the hose, and seeing an infestation of them crawling all around our garage door. I blogged how I told my daughter to get inside, then I slowly reversed the van away from the house and drove around the back and did a shoulder roll out of the driver's side door because of the enlarging swarm that was enveloping the whole house and yard. Then I related how I fought them off with a small can of Black Flag bug spray and how I noticed them flying away and swarming around these young teenage girls down the street at the bus stop (poor kids, they never had a chance).

But then my computer crashed and I lost it all. So I don't think I'll blog about that.

Instead, let me tell you about when Beth took my boy (who turns 2 next week, by the way) to the grocery store. They were browsing the aisles when Kylan started to point and say "da-da." Beth told him that daddy wasn't there and that he was just having those 'Nam flashbacks again, but he continued to point and shout even more excitedly. Beth then realized that Ky was looking at the magazine rack. She started pointing to different magazines, asking him which one he was pointing to. He would shake his head "no" and continue pointing and shouting more and more urgently. She finally reached a magazine with Tom Cruise on the cover, and Kylan got a huge smile on his face and said, "da-da!"

Well, that Tom Cruise has become a bit of a weirdo lately, but I guess I'll take it as a compliment from my boy. Now, it's just too bad that he obviously needs glasses at such a young age....

Gum Gum With Flavour Flavour...

2006-07-04T11:36:00.000-07:00

Hmmm, I was just thinking of what to call this post when I remembered that tag line from an old commercial, "It's the gum gum, with flavour flavour." But I can't remember what kind of gum it was advertising. Oh well, it'll probably come to me (if you know, pass it on, k?).

Anyways, I was looking at a package of Chiclets the other day, and saw that it was sugar free. How nice, I thought, because I chew sugar free gum. Then the sugar substitute caught my eye. The list read like the midfielders from an indiscernible country's all-star soccer team: Mannitol, Maltitol, Sorbitol, Aspartame, Acesulfame-Potassium, Sucralose, and Ronaldotol (ok, I made up that last one). Six different sugar substitutes to flavour the Chiclets. Six different ingredients that, when melded together and combined with saliva, bring about a chemical chewing explosion of flavour.

Some other key ingredients in Chiclets: Citric acid, Malic acid, and Tartaric acid powder. "Mmmm! Please sir, may I have some more, sir?"

It all makes me wonder what's really so bad about plain, ordinary sugar....

Nicotine Dentyne...

2006-06-19T23:40:00.000-07:00

I was in London Drugs and I noticed a guy talking to the pharmacist about Nicorette, the helps-you-stop-smoking gum. He grabbed a big box of the stuff and headed towards the front cashier. When I came up there, he was talking to the clerk at the cigarette counter, and buying a big carton of cancer sticks.

Now, was he just going to be performing an experiment of some kind? I mean, if he really wanted to stop smoking, he wouldn't have walked out with enough cyanide, tar and nicotine to choke a diesel bus, right?

Oh well, addictions make us do silly things sometimes. I mean, except for me, of course. I can stop blogging anytime I want. Really. It's true. Stop looking at me like that....

Breakfast On The Go...

2006-06-14T11:36:00.000-07:00

Maybe the most surreal thing I've seen in a long time. I just pull out of my driveway on the way to work this morning, and I stop suddenly behind this white van in front of me. Turns out he applied the brakes for a little brown mouse crossing the street. It scurried across in front of him and made it safely to the curb. As the van moved on, I came to the stop sign at Royal Oak Ave and looked over at the mouse, mesmerized as I watched it's struggle to climb the curb and get onto the sidewalk.

Then a crow swooped down, and pecked it to death.

Yeah, the story took quite a turn, didn't it? Poor little mouse. He makes it across the street due to the kindness of an anonymous van driver, only to arrive at a gruesome demise in the clutches of a scavenger. I was going to comment on how this bizarre scene played out in front of me as part of the "Circle of Life", but really, it seemed more like a rhombus or a trapezoid or something. Man, those crows will eat anything....

Ear Bud...

2006-06-12T10:18:00.000-07:00

You know that low-budget movie about the dog who plays basketball, Air Bud? Well this post has nothing to do with that. It's about me and my ears. Specifically, my right ear. You see, I got an iRiver MP3 player for Christmas from Beth, but haven't been able to use it until recently (due to our low-tech Win98 computer). Now we've upgraded and I can finally use my Christmas present.

I use the MP3 player when I'm mowing the lawn, and will use it whenever I get around to practicing the drums. Here's the thing: the right ear bud doesn't fit my ear very well and always slipped out when I was mowing the lawn. There could be a few reasons for this. Maybe my right ear is somehow mutated and deformed? It looks okay in the mirror, but it's hard to look at your ears because you have to turn your head and then your eyes are looking way to the left and you have to kind of strain and squint to look back at your ear in the mirror.

I thought maybe the ear buds were different, but no, they look exactly the same. Maybe I sweat more from the right side of my head, so it was slipping out? That doesn't make much sense because I sweat a lot from all over. Maybe my right leg is slightly shorter than my left leg, so I limp unnoticeably around the yard as I mow, slowly jarring the bud from my ear? Maybe it's heavier, so gravity pulls on it more than the left bud? Maybe there was ear wax in my left ear keeping it in place?

It is a mystery that will haunt me until I mow again. If you've had this experience, your comments would be welcome. Don't lose any sleep over it though. Maybe duct taping it to my head would work....

Smart Car, Dumb Driver...

2006-06-04T22:01:00.000-07:00

How about those little SMART cars running around, eh? I haven't driven one but I've followed more than my fair share. Does anyone know if they come equipped with signals, because it doesn't seem like anyone uses them if they are part of the package (maybe it's an extra option). Did you know that the only thing that actually makes the car special, other than weighing less than Minnie Driver, is that it has a diesel engine. Yup. It's not even electric or somehow envio-friendly.

Oh yeah, it also has a titanium safety cage that will apparently stand quite a strong impact. Makes me want to buy a Hummer and run down a few of those little tin cans. Simply to test the safety features, of course....

T-Ball Trouble...

2006-05-25T22:07:00.000-07:00

For the past 3 weeks Jayce has been learning to play softball in a local city program with about 30 other five and six year-olds. They were split into 4 teams and practised running the bases the first week, hit the ball and took team pictures the second week, and fielded, ran and hit a bit on the third week. She's having fun and doing okay (I think the most enjoyable part for her is getting ice cream with dad afterwards).

Yesterday, their team played a game against one of the other teams. I use the word "game" loosely because, although it was set up like a softball game, Jayce's team (The Lions), was pretty unclear on the concept. I got to be the first base coach, telling kids where to run next (second base is THAT way), and telling the first baseman where to stand and to stop picking his nose.

The game was 5 innings and each kid got to hit each inning. There were no outs per sé, so everyone reached base (that "per sé" really wasn't a necessary word use, but I wanted to show people that I could get that little slanted line thing over the e). Jayce's team was NOT a well-oiled machine, while the opposition seemed to be made up of professional Japanese baseball midgets. Everything they hit (The Greyhounds) seemed to be a line drive right past second base into the outfield. After the third inning I started checking IDs as they rounded first base. The Lions really had no clue, as I don't think they had ever SEEN a game being played. They had simply practised a few skills between covering their faces with their gloves and doodling in the sand. One kid on Jayce's team was REALLY funny. He would hit the ball off the tee, and then chase it and try to pick it up before the other team could get it. It confused everybody!

Thankfully, the game was over pretty quick and the kids on Jayce's team got a drink box and a sucker (I think The Greyhounds went out for beers). Jayce did okay, and she's a lot of fun to watch when she's in her defensive "ready" position (so intense!). But I think I'll continue to stress to her the most important parts of softball: Have fun, play hard, and remember that her team has the best looking ball caps.

It would have been a perfect night if I only hadn't wagered another dad $50 on the outcome of the game....

Ditty For Your Head...

2006-05-17T11:45:00.000-07:00

McDonalds' "I'm Loving It" or Mazda's "Zoom, Zoom, Zoom". Your choice....

Would You Rather... #2

2006-05-11T12:07:00.000-07:00

Read a good book or watch a movie in the theatre....?

(Include with your answer what good books or movies you've read/seen lately)

Why...

2006-05-04T08:55:00.000-07:00

Why are there Cheerios in my dresser drawer?
Why is the record player on full blast with the needle scratching across Bananas In Pajamas?
Why are there so many broken toys in our house?
Why is there a full roll of TP all piled on the bathroom floor?
Why is there food flung all over the floor... and chairs... and walls... and windows?
Why are we going through Batman band-aids so fast?
Why is there a drool spot on my shoulder?
Why are we up at 5am some days?
Why are we up at 6am the other days?
Why is the neighbour dog so skittish?
Why is there a backyard swingset and slide that I had to build (and now mow around)?
Why is there poop on the carpet?
Why is my hat chewed on?
Why is our grocery bill growing every month?
Why are the CD's all scratched up?
Why do I own a mini van instead of a Ferrari?
Why do I know all the characters on Dora The Explorer?
Why is there such a big goofy smile on my face every day?

He's 21 months old, his name is Kylan, and he's my boy! (hence the drooling)

That's why....

No Call Yet...

2006-04-28T09:34:00.000-07:00

It has been 2 full days and I have yet to be contacted by the Vancouver Canucks organization regarding their vacant head coaching job. I suppose that they have to do due diligence and make it look like they are interested in other potential coaches before offering me the position, but I would have thought by now I'd receive at least an email from them. Maybe they don't have my email address? It's Dairn at hotmail.... I know, it's spelled weird. I hope some DaRIN at hotmail isn't leaving his chicken farm in Nebraska, getting on a plane, and wondering what the heck 'hockey' is anyways. No, not to fret, they have my correct email. Especially after I spammed them 60,000 times last year during the lockout.

I sure hope they don't mind me running team drills from the bench, because I can't skate. Pretty darn good with a whistle, though....

Good Saturday...

2006-04-15T21:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Good Friday, and if I didn't know anything about the actual holiday, I would have thought it was Gory Friday. It started at five in the morning when Kylan woke up in his crib crying in vomit. Sorry, lousy way to start a blog post, eh? It gets worse.

Beth cleaned him up and gave him a bath. I went back to bed, feeling woozy myself. I was to be part of the Good Friday outdoor service for all the Burnaby churches later that morning at the stadium, so I had to drag myself out of bed and into the shower. Meanwhile, Jayce woke up, told mommy that spit wanted to come up from her stomach, and promply threw up on the couch. Yay, good start to Good Friday.

The rest of the family decided against attending the service (no doubt), and I went to perform my duty as one of the people directing traffic. It felt good to be outside in the fresh air, even though my tummy was gurgling something fierce. After being traffic cop for the morning, I went home. As I stepped in the house, I felt nausea hit me like a ton of feathers (bricks, feathers - a ton weighs the same). Turns out Beth wasn't feeling good either. Well, I fell in and out of consciousness throughout the day, throwing up in between. Jayce threw up close to a dozen times, poor kid. Beth bathed the kids about 4 times, did about 10 loads of laundry, threw up a bunch of times herself, and we both had difficulty sleeping for any length of time through the aching and nausea. Kylan was in a great mood.

It made me recall a story. St. Patrick was baptizing an important official in Ireland, and after the ceremony noticed that the man's foot was bleeding. When he realized that he had stabbed his staff into the official's foot during the baptism, he asked the man why he didn't cry out in pain. The man said, "I thought pain was part of the tradition."

And so it is with Good Friday. Even though it was probably the worst day of sickness our family has ever faced together, it can't help but remind me that pain is the very reason for the holiday.

Thank goodness Sunday's a comin'....

New Math...

2006-04-08T22:40:00.000-07:00

Talking with some teacher friends tonight (friends who also happen to be teachers - not MY teachers personally, but they are my friends personally), the discussion veered towards the math system mantra being espoused in BC schools. It's like, "Math Ain't That Hard, So Just Suck It Up And Try Harder" or something to that effect. Anyways, studies have shown that students from other regions of the world (particularly Asia) are better equipped to handle the challenges of advanced math, because they master the basics of math (adding, subtraction, multiplication tables, etc) at an earlier stage of life. Our North American students are still counting on their fingers while the Asian kids are solving problems instantly in their heads.

This caused me to wonder aloud why we are not genetically enhancing our country's children to have more fingers at birth? Could that not be the simple answer to our continent's math woes? I mean, we can send a man to the moon, we can generate fifty times the amount of garbage as every other part of the world combined, we can make the Trailer Park Boys a cult hit... but we can't get a few more digits on a few more hands?

Wow. I'm appalled. I think it's time we all took a good long look in the mirror. Okay, that's too long [don't worry nobody will notice that zit except the hot guy/girl you like].

Back to the point at hand. I say, thumbs up for War Amps, but let's also all raise a finger for our nation's new math....

Would You Rather... #1

2006-04-07T12:21:00.000-07:00

Watch FRIENDS or SEINFELD....?

Drive-By Wheelchair Clubbings...

2006-03-30T08:37:00.000-08:00

My brother Ron told me that he heard on the radio that as soon as the Torino Paralympics comes to a close today, the Canadian Paralympic Committee will be starting a "recruiting drive" for the 2010 Paralympics in Vancouver/Whistler.

Ulp. Don't say you haven't been warned....

Lap Dogs...

2006-03-27T10:55:00.000-08:00

This weekend, I saw three or four people driving with dogs on their laps. One car was crossing the intersection in front of me, and all I saw was this big white puffy thing in front of the guy. I thought his airbag had deployed until Fifi's little white head popped up. I mean, I like dogs but sheesh, get your stupid mutt out of the front seat. It doesn't have to be there. Now, if you want to bathe your cats while you're driving home, I'm all for that (the accidents will help keep the gene pool a bit cleaner!).

In a related story (not really), a car accident gave life instead of claiming it. A 77 year-old British professor suffered cardiac arrest while driving and died. He lost control of his Honda Civic and slammed his car into a tree, which caused the steering wheel to hit his chest and restart his heart.

Fifi, on the other hand, was crushed instantly....

Visa Fraud Squad...

2006-03-23T16:07:00.000-08:00

I recently pre-purchased 20 tickets to a large summertime music festival in Washington state. The total price of the purchase was $2400, and I used my Visa card. At first I tried online, and after filling in many pages of important information, I clicked "purchase" and waited for the next screen. It said "card declined."

I tried it again (filling in all the info a second time). Same result. "Argh, that means I have to actually call someone and talk to them about registering." Oh well, it's worth all the hassle to register 20 people who will camp together and listen to cool concerts over 4 days in July. I called the 800 number and spoke to Chad. After going through all the information needed to register our group (he was probably simply filling out the pages online like I had just attempted), he confirmed it all. Then he thoughtfully said into the phone, "hmmmm..." I acted like a psychic hotline expert and told him exactly what he was reading on the screen in front of him. "Card declined."

Okay, time to get to the bottom of this. I thanked Chad and called up Toni at Visa. I explained my problem and asked what was going on. She put me on hold and talked to someone in the office. Turns out, when I tried to make my purchase online, the Visa Fraud Supercomputer (I don't know if it's called that, but it's better than "Big Brother") flagged my account and froze my card. "You see," she explained, "the purchase looked larger than usual and suspicious, so we didn't allow it. Let me get an a-okay to release your card back to you, and give you permission to purchase your tickets." Why, thank you Toni. That would be nice.

On one hand, I'm glad that Visa has security measures in place that will "catch fraud" in the act. On the other hand, why is my credit limit over $10,000 if I can't even use it without prior consent? Maybe with Visa I can only make purchases that are priceless (and for everything else there's Mastercard)....

Dignity Stripped...

2006-03-15T16:15:00.000-08:00

On Monday I was ridiculed and humiliated, questioned and frowned upon. My masculinity was challenged and my intelligence was doubted. I was stripped of any dignity that may have once resided within this tired body of mine. Things I thought I knew, I didn't. Things I should have known, were sneeringly pointed out. On Monday I had a fresh sense of what some prisoners of war might endure under the scrutiny of hot lights, sleep deprivation, torture, and continual belittling.

Yes, I went to Mr. Lube.

Things started out fine. They were kind enough to guide my little '95 Dodge Colt into the service bay, telling me how to drive straight and when to stop. After popping the hood, I was asked a series of questions pertaining to the types of service offered at Mr. Lube. I politely asked for an oil change, and preceeded to read the free newspaper they handed to me. Little did I know what lay ahead.

Shortly, I was shown a sample of my engine oil. It was dirty. Isn't that normal for an 11 year old car driving regularly between oil changes? Apparently not. I was shown normal engine oil and given a brief history of engine oil and it's application to the engine. I knew all this, but congenially listened. "Mr. Lube," or Ali, as his shirt implied, asked if I had ever had an engine flush, because it is a recommended service on vehicles every 48,000km. It costs $25.99 and would help my engine work more efficiently. I said, "go for it, Mr. Lube." I was still in a good mood, my manhood intact.

10 minutes later, after agreeing that my transmission fluid needed changing, radiator needed flushing, and wipers needed swapping, I looked over at the guy in the newish Ford Bronco beside me. He was hunched over, resting his head on the steering wheel as a "fluid specialist" and shop manager called him from his seat, pointing to something under the hood all the while shaking their heads. We were beaten and broken men. Defeated by a series of car fluid questions and 'Lubish solutions, cleverly designed to tear away at our machismo and swagger.

It was all a blur. I rolled my window up, smiled, said "thank you," and drove away as my debit card rung through $143.58 for the oil change and extras that were propagated on me.

"Come again," Mr. Lube chimed. But after all that transpired, it felt like a big part of me never truly left....

March Birthdays...

2006-03-10T10:13:00.000-08:00

Aquamarine. Jonquil. Those are the March birthstone and flower. I'm not sure what a jonquil looks like, maybe I'll look it up. (Note: most blogger-type-people would at this point connect a link here or post a picture of an actual jonquil, but I'm not your run-of-the-mill blogger. Nosiree, I like to hyphenate things and use brackets.... I'm a blogger-hyphenater-parentheses-type, not a computer-friendly-help-everyone-learn-what-a-jonquil-is-type.)

Back to my point. I know a lot of people who were born in March. Like, maybe an abnormal amount of people (and yes, some of them are abnormal - you know who you are!). I counted 22 people that I know, personally, who have March birthdays. And I bet there are other friends and relatives whom I just don't know when their birthday is, but are March babies as well. Looking over the list of folks, it would seem to me that March people are smart, creative, funny, good looking, prone to getting into trouble with their words, industrial, wise, athletic, and just gosh-darn all-round good people (and maybe they like hyphens?).

So without further ado, "Happy Birthday Month" to Andy, Andrew, Steve, Carissa, June, Stu, Lisa, Joel, Paulina, Kayla, Kucy, Sarah, Tamara, Jim, James, Ben, Josh, Shane, Lloyd, Cheri, and Katrina.

If there are more of you out there, let me know if you like hyphens....

Elite Trash Men...

2006-03-08T16:45:00.000-08:00

Recently, I put out some extra items with our regular weekly trash. Beside the garbage cans I neatly placed an old fireplace grill and a broken bike carrier. The garbage men came by, loaded the garbage bags and recycling into their trucks, and left the other items behind. It was almost as if they were saying sneeringly, "we don't want your junk!"

Hey news flash, boys. You're GARBAGE MEN! Who else is gonna take my junk, the mailman? The next week I put the stuff out there in the back lane again, and it was picked up this time. Maybe it was a substitute garbage guy who actually wanted to do his job....

4 Things...

2006-02-20T10:10:00.000-08:00

1) IT'S A BOY
My good friends Pat & Laura had a baby on Friday. His name is Daxton James Lee and he's super cute. Pat is very much into hiking, rock climbing, falling out of trees - stuff like that - so with a name like Dax, you just know their little boy is going to be into professional extreme sports in about 15 years!

2) LEST WE FORGET
That's the name of my nephew's garage band. I saw them play in Vancouver on Friday night at a Battle of the Bands, and they rocked pretty good. First time I had ever seen a "scream-o" band. And yes, they scream a bit. Kinda reminded me of 80's metal, but these three guys were 16 years old, didn't have long hair and makeup, and wore t-shirts and hoodies. Remember the name, Lest We Forget, or else you might not remember them and then just forget all about them completely or something.

3) EAR WAX SMELLING BIRD FLIPPER
Okay, it was completely innocent, but it had me rolling on the floor. I was playing games with my daughter before bed the other night and she asks me to smell her finger. She says, "Daddy, I've been itching my ear and my finger smells funny." The really funny thing is that she had been using her middle finger and she held it up for me to smell. That was the ONLY finger she held up for me to smell! I felt so bad for laughing because she didn't have a clue why I would react that way. And no, I didn't smell her finger.

4) FAKE COUNTERFEIT $10
That means it's real. Has anyone else had the unnerving experience of having your ten dollar bill scrutinized carefully under black light? Normally that would not be a big deal to me. But having it done at the mall A&W, for an absurd length of time (like 20 seconds), by a kid who probably wouldn't know a Canadian ten from a Monopoly ten, was a tad embarrassing. And it wasn't like I was trying to pass off a hundred. Everything okay, Sherlock? Can I get my Chubby Chicken burger now?

Unfortunately, I'm currently writing this email from prison....

Doxycycline...

2006-01-26T11:41:00.000-08:00

Yup, antibiotics for my sinus congestion. "Take one capsule once daily until finished. Avoid sun exposure." Those are pretty straight forward instructions. There are 10 pills to take, one day at a time, so if multiply and carry the one.... yes, 10 days worth of meds.

The part I'm not too clear on, and it wasn't explained to me at the pharmacy, is the sun exposure issue. Should the pills avoid the sunshine, or should I avoid the sun? If it's the pills, then that shouldn't be too difficult. Stick them up high in the cupboard, so that Kylan will have to get a chair, a stool, and three boxes in order to climb up there. But if I am to avoid exposure to sunlight, things get a little more complicated. You see, I am not nocturnal. I'm awake during the day time. I am also not a vampire, who might be used to timing things so as to avoid the sun's deadly rays. Maybe I could simply wear a long overcoat, sunglasses and a wool toque. Or wrap myself in cloth like a mummy and just say, "bad burn", when talking to people. Should be an interesting next week and a half.

Huh, what's that? Ohhhhhh, right. I live in Vancouver - there is no sun. Then I guess everything's going to be just fine!

From another part of my brain, I want to share a secret with you. My doctor is named Dr. Jones, and I always have this strong urge to greet him with a German accent like that little creepy Nazi guy in the first Indiana Jones movie. "Ve meet again, Dr. Jones!" Alas, I always chicken out. I don't think he'd get it....

Survivor...

2006-01-24T10:24:00.000-08:00

Well, Canada had it's version of "Survivor" yesterday, and the Liberal party was voted off the island. Well, not too far off the island, actually, just a few benches over in the House Of Commons. Kind of unfortunate, because I hear that Greenland has lots of room for politicians and world leaders, from ANY country. Maybe it could become like a retirement home? Imagine Bush Sr., Clinton, Mulroney, Crétien, Thatcher, Hussein.... all swapping stories and sharing Geritol. I can sense another reality TV series coming on. Mark Burnett, are you reading this??

Ok, back to the national election in Canada yesterday. The old government is out, and the new one is in. Does anyone think things will be much different? We hope so, because the old government just lined their pockets (and their friends' pockets) with money. But I'm not terribly confident in any political party. "With great power comes great responsibility" (I think that's in the Bible somewhere). But unfortunately, great power generally also comes hand in hand with corruption and a personal moral decay. Ah well, at least we can watch the West Wing and see Jimmy Smits and Alan Alda go at it for a couple more months. It makes for good drama. Maybe all politicians should be actors first?

Did you know that they used an official "Elections Canada" wooden ruler to cross off my name when I went to vote? Wonder how much one of those would go for on eBay....

I Have A Drinking Problem...

2006-01-21T14:07:00.000-08:00

I've known it for a long time, but have been afraid to admit it. Lately, I've been through some personal introspection and have been able to come to grips with my disorder. Seemingly, all of my family, co-workers and peers have no difficulty with this issue whatsoever. In fact, Vancouverites - nay, all British Columbians - are known around the world for their ability to handle these types of drinks. With all humility I admit that it's true...

I am "hot-beverage-challenged."

Dealing with a cold the past 2 weeks I have been making myself a lot of tea (green tea and regular Lipton's). I like tea. I like hot chocolate. I even like Starbucks vanilla steamed milk. But if I drink it too soon, I burn my tongue. So I blow on it and inevitably it cools down too much. "Just sip it slowly", the experts say. Well, those experts have had years of killing their taste buds and nerve endings by guzzling scalding coffee every day. It hurts me when I sip (I just read that line over and I sound like a wuss). I've even tried sticking out my pinky finger like the British - didn't help.

This morning I made a cup of tea (in the YMI mug that Dennis gave me) and I sat down to play with Kylan. After giving him breakfast, Beth came to take care of him so I went and had a shower. Later in the morning I saw my tea, waiting for me. It was cold. This was not the first time I've ruined a cup of tea by waiting for it to cool and then forgetting about it.

So maybe I should give up the hot drink? Maybe diet Coke with lime will have the same soothing effect on my sore throat as the Lipton's people do? I certainly won't burn the inside of my mouth while sipping something on the rocks. Or maybe I can rig up a hot drink IV? I'm fairly sure that tea taken intravenously wouldn't burn my lips.

Regardless of my next steps (12?), I must confess to the blog world my inability to master the hot beverage. Sorry Starbucks. Sorry Tim Horton, wherever you are. Sorry Tetley Tea elves (do they live in a tree with the Keebler's?). I burn my tongue if I drink too soon. It's unsatisfying if I wait too long. I am convinced that I will have to live with this disability for my remaining days. Sigh. Pass the iced tea please....

Precipitation Is Sanitation For The Nation...

2006-01-17T22:26:00.000-08:00

Too wet. Way too wet. Rain rain go away, come again another day (and don't let the door hit you on the way out!). I feel it's a bit like when you're a kid and you don't eat your vegetables. It's guaranteed that one of your parental units will say that they are good for you, and that you have to eat because "there are starving kids in Africa." Of course, then you say that they are more than welcome to send your asparagus tips to Ethiopia.

That's how I feel about the rainfall we've been experiencing. 28 days later (wasn't that a zombie movie?), still drenched. Some will say that the rain is good for us. It grows the flowers and makes the plants green. Well, they are green all year round over here on the wet coast already. Send the rain to someone who needs it. Africa. Australia. Cleveland. Anywhere.

Oh, and I'm a dummy. I've lived in the Vancouver area for 15+ years and I don't have a waterproof jacket. Shouldn't I have learned by now? Personally, I think that anyone entering BC should be issued rain gear along with their complimentary Starbucks espresso and union picket sign. It just makes sense....

Domesticated Thug...

2006-01-09T15:42:00.000-08:00

I just saw a guy on the street today who looked like a big, bad biker dude. He was wearing a black leather jacket, wore a bandana on his head with his long shaggy blonde hair sticking out the back. His face had what looked like scars with plenty of 3 day old stubble. He was looking mean, and out walking his dog.

Problem is, his dog was a wee little toy poodle-mix. Anyone could hold it in the palm of their hand. So, the kind of dog that he was walking immediately negated the rough leather jacket. Also, the tiny mutt was on a cute teal coloured leash (that makes up for the bandana and the tough guy hair). Not only was the dog small, but it was wearing a little plaid sweater!! The poor guy now loses any sense of masculinity he once owned. The scars, the facial hair, the snarl - all crossed out due to the tiny dressed up canine at his side.

Here's the worst part: he was standing there waiting while the wee dog was pooping. Sorry bud, but you might as well have been wearing a shawl, knee high pantyhose, horn-rimmed glasses, and pushing a walker! The guys down at the bar better not get wind of your Monday afternoon routine. Hopefully, he doesn't get beat up by a senior citizen looking to take matters into her own hands....

Lost...

2006-01-05T20:36:00.000-08:00

Looking for voice. Lost sometime after going to bed Tuesday night and before waking up Wednesday morning. Reward offered for anyone finding it before Saturday. Willing to trade awful cold and cough for a voice box in reasonable condition (no smokers please).

Meanwhile, I'll be drinking a lot more tea, making terrible throat sounds as I hack up a lung, and hopefully getting some semblance of sleep. Oh yeah, happy 2006 everybody....

Change Of Face...

2005-12-27T20:52:00.000-08:00

This morning I went to trim my goatee - it's my weekly ritual - and I didn't look at the setting on my trimmer. Well, it was set at #1 (very close to face) and I usually use #3 (somewhat close to face). After one swipe I realized my mistake, but it was too late. I had to trim very close to my face. Now I look like a 90's Don Johnson (if you never watched Miami Vice in the 80's, then simply skip this sentence).

It's kind of like the movie Face/Off where the John Travolta and Nicolas Cage characters change faces. That was a cool movie! Okay, it's not like I have someone else's face, but I do look a little different. Maybe younger. Or fatter. Or thinner. I'm not quite sure. Anyways, it all reminds me of the old joke: "Why didn't the lepers play hockey? Too many face offs!"

By the way, I got an MP3 player for Christmas. Neat, eh? I still have to figure out how to download some music to it, but it'll work eventually. Now, let's see, how do I get the music from my record collection and cassette tapes, onto my computer and then into this little mp3 contraption thingy. I think I need a bigger hammer....

Hey You...

2005-12-25T16:29:00.000-08:00

Yeah, you.

Merry Christmas, eh!

Best wishes and blessings from Dairn....

Dying Man Ticketed...

2005-12-17T14:55:00.000-08:00

A 73-year-old man who receieved a $5 jaywalking ticket after he was struck by a car in Washington, DC, has died. Although witnesses said Charles Atherton was badly injured at the scene, police issued him the ticket. His family found it with his belongings when they went to the hospital. Police Captain Willie Smith said officers would have not issued the ticket "if we knew he was going to die."

Yikes, makes me think twice about jaywalking. Not only could I be struck and killed by a car, but my family might be left with a huge debt to pay. Although, if the police refuse to fine people if they know they are going to die, crime could be rampant in the streets because.... we're all going to die someday!

I wonder if the first person to cross the street was named Jay....

COPS In Burnaby...

2005-12-08T21:49:00.000-08:00

Ok, I've been watching out the front window of our house most of the evening because of the riveting activity across the street. It all started yesterday... *deedlee-doodlee-deedlee-doodlee* (flashback music).

The neighbour directly across the road got pulled over by the police last night. The cop was driving a white panel van and was dressed in undercover gear (jeans, vest, his badge on a lanyard around his neck). It seemed like the neighbour was getting a traffic ticket for going through the stop sign or something. He showed his license and registration. Whenever he leaned over to get something from the glove compartment, the cop would glance into the back of the man's SUV. Anyways, the cop seemed jovial, wrote a ticket or warning, and left. The neighbour pulled his vehicle up 10 feet, parked and went inside.

Fast forward to tonight. A bunch of cops. The man in handcuffs in his front yard. Being taken away from the home (by the same undercover guy who was giving him a seemingly routine traffic check yesterday). Later, another van pulled into the yard and two policemen with masks start removing items from the house. At first it seemed to be a friendly, neighbourhood, run of the mill, west coast grow-op (marijuana). But they were wearing chemical masks, so I am assuming that it may have been a meth lab, or crack house or something (possibly producing black market wicker furniture, who knows?). Then, a BC Hydro truck pulled up and sent a guy up the electrical pole to shut off power to the house.

Now it's dark and very empty over there. Weird sight. Now that I think of it, I haven't seen the wife and daughter and grandmother from that home for a while. Maybe they left method man? Maybe they are the brains of the operation? In any case, it was a strange, yet exciting scene. Does anyone want to buy a cheap house? Probably no power or running water, and you might want to wear a mask whenever you're inside.

How about another strange sight today? Jayce and her friend Ethan were playing a game on the front lawn this afternoon when I came home. The name of the game? "Jump the dog poop." Luckily nobody lost....

Christmas Gifts...

2005-12-07T23:00:00.000-08:00

Gotta go get some girl gifts. Something for my wife and something for my daughter. Both are difficult to shop for because my wife doesn't know what she wants, and my daughter knows a million things she wants (Kylan, by the way, will just need something for him to chew on - shouldn't be too difficult).

What does one on a budget (a budget that hasn't been written down, mind you) buy a 5 year old girl for Christmas? Well there's Polly Pocket stuff, Barbie stuff, Dora The Explorer stuff, and Power Puff stuff. There's Easy Bake Oven stuff, Cabbage Patch Doll stuff, Totally Spies stuff, and Disney Princess stuff. Games, gadgets, dinnerware playsets. Chicken Little, Finding Nemo, and DVD boxsets. My Little Pony stuff, My Little Pet Shop stuff, My Little Brain Hurts Just Thinking About It All stuff.

I think I'll put Barbie on My Little Pony, stick them in an Easy Bake Oven and see what comes out. "My Little Phony Bimbo" from Mattel....

They're Back...

2005-12-01T20:36:00.000-08:00

Ahh, the crispness in the air, the barren trees, the frozen grass in the front yard, the little kids' tongues stuck to metal poles. Yup, pretty easy to tell that it's hockey card season at McDonalds!

After a one year hiatus (cool word, eh?) due to the NHL lockout last year, a 2005/06 set of hockey cards has been created by Upper Deck for McDonalds in Canada once again (on sale for $0.99/pack).

Now, most of you reading this blog could care less about this development. In fact, you probably already tuned out when you saw the picture of Mario Lemieux above and to your left (my right). "Hmmm, wonder who is going to disappear on Without A Trace tonight?", you are thinking. Or, "wow, what a hunk that Horatio Caine is on CSI Miami. I can't wait until next Monday's episode. It's sad he can't act..."

So, I will turn my attention to those of you who are still with me. I am once again attempting to complete the collection of cards from this year's set, including the inserts. Ohh, the elusive "insert cards!" There are 4 sets of special edition cards (15 cards each) within the McDonalds base set of 50 cards. Still tracking? Good. The special cards are randomly inserted at a ratio of approximately 1 per every 14 packs sold at McDonalds. So, finding all the inserts is akin to watching back-to-back episodes of the Gilmore Girls - freaking impossible!

Anyways, I have collected most of the McDonalds hockey cards since their introduction way back in 1991, so it's not time for me to give up yet. And, as is the case with anything this great in life, it is (of course) a limited time offer. So wish me luck!

Also (FYI), I will be the Ronald McDonald stunt double for his upcoming commercials being filmed locally. I think the shoot has something to do with falling from an airplane while Grimace makes a corny joke about the Fry Guys. Too bad I'm afraid of heights and allergic to the face makeup....

Jury Duty...

2005-11-28T21:11:00.000-08:00

No, not the bad Pauly Shore movie of the same name, actual jury duty! I received a letter post-marked from the Vancouver Sheriff's office and fully expected a photo radar ticket or something. Nope, jury duty. The jury selection date is scheduled for January 3/06 and it is for a criminal case of some kind. I'll let you know if I'm picked. In the meantime, I'll have to decide what to wear. My shockingly handsome suit or a tacky tourist getup of some kind (I've got a couple ugly Hawaiian shirts in the closet). Has anyone out there seen the classic hit movie "Ernest Goes To Jail"? It has the FUNNIEST scene in it when Ernest gets chosen for jury duty. While chewing on a pen, he listens intently to the testimony of the witnesses. Then the pen explodes and he gets black ink all over his mouth and face. He attempts to clean it up (as subtley as possible) with a piece of note paper. Of course, it just gets worse and smears everywhere. Laugh out loud funny! Hey Verne, if you can find the movie at your local Blockbuster, rent it in honour of me, ok?

If I'm chosen, I think I'll just take a pencil....

Klepto Ky...

2005-11-23T14:02:00.000-08:00

Funny story. Beth was in the mall a little while ago strolling Kylan around, and she went into La Senza for a minute. After checking out one of the clothing racks, she turned around to see that Kylan had reached over to a short table and pulled about 20 pairs of frilly women's underwear into the stroller with him. He was clutching the throng of thongs with a huge smile on his face! Not sure what else should be said about it other than it was apparently quite the Kodak moment....

That's just not right...

2005-11-18T21:42:00.000-08:00

Beth and I heard a sports commentator mention that a hockey player had been on the sidelines because he was "nursing a groin injury." There has got to be a better way to describe that....

Aquafresh Asterisk*...

2005-11-17T20:16:00.000-08:00

This is what my toothpaste box says: Aquafresh Whitening Advanced Freshness with Triclene is scientifically proven to safely whiten teeth by gently removing stains without bleach, peroxide or harsh abrasives.*

I thought, well that's nice. But then I wondered what the asterisk was for at the end of the sentence. I had to look at the other end of the box to see the following.

* With brushing.

OK, now I'm thinking that the Aquafresh people think that the average toothpaste user is very dumb. How else would Aquafresh safely whiten teeth? Well, let's brainstorm, shall we? You could:
- Scrape your teeth with the toothpaste box
- Take the toothpaste internally
- Hit your face with the toothpaste tube
- Smear your lips with Aquafresh
- Set your toothpaste on fire and breathe in the "teeth whitening" fumes
- Use in the same manner as you would Preparation H

Wow, there really are lots of ways to misunderstand the tooth whitening instructions! Thank you Aquafresh people, with the use of a seemingly insignificant asterisk, it's all so clear now.

I think I hear Colgate calling my name....

Fewer Cars Burned In France...

2005-11-16T09:44:00.000-08:00

Apparently there were fewer cars being torched and burned in French riots last night. Well duh. Over 8,500 have already been destroyed in the past few weeks, so they are obviously running out of cars to wreck. Previously averaging 200 cars each night, rioters must have turned their attention towards other flammable pursuits. It's really too bad. Those french Renaults and Citreons could probably use more torching (although I figure it can't be that easy to burn a lemon). Maybe we can convince the hooligans to come over here. There are some SUV's that could use a good working over....

Bank Robbery...

2005-11-14T20:44:00.000-08:00

My bank was robbed today. I swung by to pay a bill and found a note on the door that said, "Bank closed due to robbery" (there were about 25 people waiting at that door - not sure if they ever got in). I decided to withdraw some money from the ATM and saw that my account was overdrawn. Those thievin' varmints!! They must have gotten away with more than their fair share. It's weird, though. I am overdrawn quite often at the middle and at the end of the month. This bank must get robbed a lot....

The Real Reason I Like Our Van...

2005-11-11T11:21:00.000-08:00

I went to Subway yesterday to pick up some supper for the family (2 footlongs for us, ham on a bun for princess Jayce), and I drove our older model van. I could have taken the little car with the CD player and heater that warms up quicker, but the van has a tape deck. Yes, a stereo that plays tapes. My old 80's and 90's tapes, the ones that I never listen to anymore but that still seriously rock. Most of the teenagers I know would probably laugh at my music, but I grew up with it. It brings back so many good memories. I LOVE to crank it up in the van and tap my fingers on the steering wheel and then pull off a wicked electric guitar solo at the stop light (the stupid steering wheel in the van isn't quite low enough to drive with my knee while I riff away on my air guitar, so I always have to be stationary - I'll have to remedy that somehow).

Does anyone out there know what I mean? Maybe I'm alone in this, and that's perfectly fine. But if you see me in the van, face straining to hit those high 80's vocal notes and fingers flying all over my fretless Fender, please don't call the paramedics. This kind of seizure is of the rockin' variety....

Odoriferous...

2005-11-08T19:47:00.000-08:00

Okay, what is it with people who come out of public washrooms complaining about the smell? "Whew, it smells rank in there!" "Do NOT go in there!" "I almost died in that gas station bathroom...!"

Well, duh. Did you expect a fragrant meadow with bunnies and baby deer frolicking and playing amidst the daisies? I never complain about the smell because A) I expect it to be bad, and B) I hold my breath. Well, I don't hold my breath the whole time, but I don't breathe through my nose - that's just asking for trouble. It doesn't matter what bathroom it is, whether at the Esso or the opera, I don't breathe in the noxious fumes. Why would anyone want to?

Next time you hear someone complain about how stinky the public washroom is, ask them why they're sniffing it all in. And then remind them they just contributed to the problem....

Ack, Ack, Ack...

2005-11-05T10:59:00.000-08:00

Kylan is almost 15 1/2 months old and he is running around, kinda looking like one of those martians from "Mars Attacks" especially when he's wearing a sleeper or one-piece outfit of some kind. He nods his head as he toddles and he flails his arm out in front of him, just like the martians in the movie. They ran around saying "ack, ack, ack", which when translated meant, "Do not run, we are your friends" (as they vaporized everybody in sight).

Looking back, I'm thinking that my buddy DNO and I were the only ones to watch that movie in theatres. It was so cheesey and bad that I laughed (more than I should have). Now that I'm a father, I understand that the director must have had a 15 1/2 month old son when he was getting his inspiration for those little green men.

As I type this, Kylan is running around the house with his arm pointing in front of him, chasing Capo the dog, tummy sticking out saying "buh-bye, buh-bye, buh-bye." Loosely translated in Martian, that means Ack, Ack, Ack....

By Mennen...

2005-11-02T21:59:00.000-08:00

I bought a new Speed Stick the other day (Ocean Surf scent) because my current one is nearing the end of it's armpit usefulness. Back on the high school basketball team, we used to call it "pit stick" but I don't call it that very much anymore. Could be because I'm not a 16 year old playing basketball with other 16 year olds, driving from games in a smelly old school bus, lamenting our most recent loss. I was a guard who couldn't shoot very well, but I could defend better than most (turns out there's not much glory for a good defender in high school basketball), but I digress.

The Speed Stick plastic tube (or packaging or holder or whatever it's called) had changed. There is now a black plastic grip on each side of my Ocean Surf Speed Stick. It looks cooler, but it caused me to wonder aloud, "Why?" Were men losing their grip on their deodorant stick when applying a quick swipe up and down of each armpit? Had there been some household accidents that could have been avoided if only there was a safety grip on the Speed Stick? Were some men developing unsightly callouses on their hands due to an awkward grasp on their daily underarm regimen?

One may never know. Maybe a letter to the people at Mennen is in order. Or maybe I should just go back to a roll-on (shudder)....

Mr. Peanut Is Staring...

2005-10-26T22:03:00.000-07:00

I've got a special edition jar of dry roasted Planters peanuts in my office. It's special because it is a glass jar labeled to look like Mr. Peanut (the Planters peanut mascot). The jar has a black top hat for a lid and the label has a big Mr. Peanut face smiling while looking through his monocle. Now, maybe it's because Halloween is around the corner, but Mr. Peanut is looking especially eerie today. Squinting through the monocle. Smiling manaically.

I guess I'd be a little off too if someone had ripped my top off and was happily crunching away on my guts. Mmm, dry roasted goodness! I need some fava beans and a nice chianti....

Halifax And Back...

2005-10-23T21:59:00.000-07:00

My week at the Pastor's Conference:

Tue, Oct 18
- Left Vancouver for Halifax on Westjet - very cool built-in TV sets in each chair with different channels to surf, including a real time flight path by MapQuest
- Arrived in Halifax, Nova Scotia at approx 10:30pm local time (4 time zones away from Van)
- Settled in at the Dartmouth Holiday Inn by midnight
- In bed, twiddling my thumbs staring at the ceiling at 1:30am (it was only 9:30 back home)

Wed, Oct 19
- Woke up at 9:30am (5:30am at home... my body is not liking this)
- Decided to take a walk and check out my surroundings
- Asked the front desk if there was an internet cafe nearby - they said there was a public library "up over the hill" (I informed them that I was from out of town and that "up over the hill" wasn't too helpful, they said to go outside and then walk "up over the hill" looking for a building with a pink roof - apparently I couldn't miss it)
- Almost 2 hours later, I failed to find any kind of internet access (although I did observe 3 Tim Hortons, all less than a 5 min walk from the hotel)
- One direction I went, "up over the hill", I found an old cemetery - the very first grave marker I read was for Mona PETERS (no relation)! I asked God what He was trying to tell me, but all I heard was a chuckle
- McDonald's for lunch and then back to the hotel for a worship team practice - I would be playing in the morning sessions
- I drummed on a chair while we practised because the main conference room wasn't set up yet (I was getting good at playing the chair and wondered how they were going to mic it...)
- Registration and the first conference session in the evening - to bed and staring at the ceiling again after watching some hockey highlights on TSN (If the Canucks were playing, the game would have begun at 11pm, Halifax time - yikes)

Thu Oct 20
- Main morning session and then I attended 2 breakout sessions, one by Tom G and another one by Corey K (on "Tweens" - very good stuff)
- Met Gord D and Val B at 3:00 and we went across the 2nd largest natural harbour in the world (the largest being Sidney, Australia) into downtown Halifax
- Saw the Marine Museum (Halifax was the closest city to the Titanic disaster, so lots of artifacts and intriguing information there), Theodore Tugboat (if you don't know, don't ask), and then went to a fancy-schmancy restaurant for steak and lobster
- Since I don't love bottom-feeding, refuse-sucking mollusks and shell creatures, I had the steak (Gord and Val had the lobster, which was $64 for 2 -- they each had 2)
- Evening session and then bed

Fri Oct 21
- Annual General Meeting. Long. Need I say more?
- Harbour Tour and barbeque for everyone in the afternoon - it was a nice paddle wheeler-type boat with an outside deck and a lower inside deck
- Saw two of Canada's four new submarines that we got from the British Navy (y'know, the ones that didn't work?) One floated by us and the other was in dry dock. No one could see where the other 2 were, but, well, they are submarines
- Evening session (got to play drums at the end a bit after the other drummer had to leave) It went pretty long, then bedtime

Sat Oct 22
- Morning session, brunch all together, and then saying goodbye to people
- Went to Shoppers Drugmart and Dollarama to get gifts for the family back home (yeah, yeah I know what you're thinking - but I'm NOT cheap, it's just that there weren't any malls or good stores around this place! And Jayce liked her sticker books and Halifax t-shirt, so there)
- Caught Air Canada at 5:30pm Halifax time and arrived back in Vancouver at 9:00 pm (after the lady beside me threw up in her barf bag twice while watching Batman Begins - it's a better movie than that...)

Nova Scotia is a very nice province, in a Murder She Wrote picturesque kind of way. The place reminded me so much of small town coastal USA, that I expected Angela Lansbury to show up any minute to interrogate the local fishermen about something fishy going on down at the old cannery. And I have never been called "dear" and "honey" by old ladies working the register at McDonald's so often in my life. They really are a friendly bunch over there on the right coast. It's no wonder the scowling, tatooed girl behind the counter of the used CD store can co-exist with the shop owner selling brooms, rocks, and other curling equipment out of a back room in the same location....

Wanted...

2005-10-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

Has anybody seen this bottle of Jones Soda yet? I've looked, but haven't been able to find it anywhere. It's a picture of my son, Kylan, on the day he was born (July/04). Please keep your eyes peeled for his pic on the Sugar Free Ginger Ale bottles, and if you see him, buy him for me, k? Thanks.

Today I am rolling coins. Pennies, nickels and dimes, mostly. Not nearly as much fun as rolling toonies and loonies, but still a necessary fact of life for those of us who can't bear parting with change. Actually, I'm getting better at that. Those little cans and jars at McDonalds and the bank that collect for important causes (like the blind or deaf, animals being abandoned, kids with the fear of Barney) are becoming my dropping point for much of my small change. I don't want to sound petty, but it's better in their hands than in my pocket.

I also have different places in my car for different denominations of coins. The ashtray between the seats is for nickels and dimes (parking meter food), the ashtray up front is for quarters (payphone change - yeah, I'm the only guy in the world without a cell phone), and there is a hidden compartment for my loons and toons. Anybody else want pennies to disappear from our society? Don't be shy, raise your hand. Apparently it's already happened in Australia (lucky ducks... or platypuses or whatever), and maybe if we just continue to pay our taxes in pennies, the Canadian government will do the same thing.

What, you're not all paying your taxes in pennies? Why am I rolling these things then....

Canadian Thanksgiving...

2005-10-11T08:55:00.000-07:00

"Mmmm, I love the smell of farmer sausage in the morning!" OK, that doesn't quite have the same ring to it as the line from Apocalypse Now, but I bet it smells better. We had Thanksgiving BREAKFAST at my parents' place this year. It's a lot less work apparently, so the whole family (except my sister's family in Kelowna, a niece in China, and a sister-in-law out shopping) got together yesterday at 9am. About 65 crépes later (mom made 100!), all 21 of us were stuffed with fruit and whipped cream and farmer sausage and ham and cinnamon buns.

Initially, I wondered about having a Thanksgiving breakfast. It just didn't seem right. I mean, those turkeys had given their very lives for families like us to go out there, buy them, cook them, stuff them, and eat them. I suppose the ham wasn't pleased about it, too. But it turned out really nice.

Then, needless to say, the boys all got together and did an impromptu hockey pool. It should be a tradition in every Canadian household. You know the saying, "The family that pools together..." um... er, well... I'm not sure of the rest, but believe me it's a good saying.

In other news, we have duplicate copies of my wife and I living under our house. Well, according to our 5 year old daughter, that is.

Lately, Jayce has been saying, "You're the best daddy/mommy I ever had!" depending on which parental unit she was addressing. So I've been responding, "Well thanks, but I'm the ONLY daddy you've ever had." Until a couple days ago when I asked her how many other daddies have you had?

She hesitated for a second, then replied "six." Six??? "Yes, they live underground, below the house, and I visit them sometimes when I go downstairs to see grandpa." LOL She went on to describe them as being very nice, looking just like me, and each one has a little girl living there too. Then she said the same thing about Beth (there are a half dozen "Beth" doppelgangers too, each with a little boy). It's a Twilight Zone-Brady Bunch thing going on somewhere in a bunker below our house!

Oh well, it's nice to know we are still her favourites. Excuse me while I go stick the hose under the porch and let the water run all day....

Ode To Hockey Season...

2005-10-06T11:03:00.000-07:00

Hockey season, Hockey season
Everybody cheer
A toast to you from everyone
Raise your glass of ... cola.

The sights, the smells, the hockey players
All down at GM Place
They grab their sticks, their pucks, their gloves
And tie up each skate ... string.

The cost to buy a ticket
Makes you stop and think
But that all changes to a smile
When you enter the ice ... arena.

The excitement builds as you watch the game
There's something in the air
Turns out it's a puck flying at your face
While you're sitting in your ... seat.

You wake up in the hospital
A little blood upon your chin
But doctors know it's hockey season
'Cuz your toothless, goofy ... smile.

Shaken Not Stirred...

2005-09-30T09:01:00.000-07:00

Jonkoping, SWEDEN -- This town plans to become the first place in the world where corpses will be disposed of by freeze-drying and vibrating them to powder, as an eco-friendly alternative to cremation or burial, officials report.

Be sure not to have Uncle Svend's urn anywhere near the sugar bowl or he may accidentally end up on your Corn Flakes. The bright side to all of this, however, is that if you miss your dearly departed, freeze dried relative, just add water....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

In other current events, there's a BLOG TAG game happening, and I was tagged by Abigail on her blog. These are the rules:

1. Go into your archive
2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to)
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to)
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions
5. Tag 5 other people to do the same thing

My 23rd post (almost as famous as the 23rd Psalm), was BIRD LADY, and the 5th sentence was... Who knows, maybe they were saying, "Hey, pass me that piece of bread, if you please", and "Oh, I like your plumage today - very shiny."

The 5 people I tag:
1. Melaney
2. Jaki
3. Kasha
4. Joel
5. Tamara

No tag backs!

D-Day 2...

2005-09-27T12:02:00.000-07:00

We climb into the van yesterday afternoon, strap the kids in, close the doors and.... it won't start. It still hasn't started. It's in the driveway today, not running. Well, we opened the doors, unstrapped the kids, pulled out the car seats, opened the garage and backed out the little 2-door car, re-connected the car seats, re-strapped in the kids (one VERY upset and bawling over the fact that she wasn't travelling in her "favourite van in the world" - and no, it wasn't my wife, Beth), closed the doors, and headed out to our appointment.

Two and a half hours later, we of shiny teeth and sore jaws, headed to a store that was closed earlier than their sign said (no new jeans for me today), so we went out to a restaurant for supper. It was a horrible experience, starting with a waitress who should not have been in the service industry, a crying boy throughout dinner (and no, it wasn't me), and a meal that was less than enjoyable. I won't tell you which restaurant it was, but it's initials start "ABC".

When we got home, our neighbourhood smelled like skunk, I had to rush out right away to a church council meeting, and the van still would not start. All a coincidence? I think not. The dentist is definitely evil....

D-Day...

2005-09-26T11:19:00.000-07:00

Today is D-Day (Dentist Day). We all pile in the van and go to the dentist in order to be prodded and poked with the long pointy metal scraper thing (I remember asking my hygienist friend, Lisa, what that thing was and I think she said that people in the industry called it a "scaler", but the technical term was "long pointy metal scraper thing").

You may not be able to tell, but I really hate going to the visit the dentist. And I use the term "visit" loosely, due to the fact that when you visit anyone else, you can leave when you want and usually aren't bleeding from your mouth when heading out the door. "But it's just a checkup and a cleaning", says my wife. However, it's the exact same thing as taking your car in for an oil change. "Uh oh", the grease monkey says from under the hood with a very concerned look, "someone hasn't been changing his radiator fluid every 500kms like it says in the 1995 Dodge Colt owner's manual. Now we're gonna have to replace the entire engine, transmission, tires and braking system.... that is after we deal with the exhaust and fuel pump, of course." You walk out of there, $3000 lighter and feeling about an inch tall because they are gleefully pointing out everything that is not pristine.

"Uh oh", the dentist will say this afternoon with a very concerned look, "someone hasn't been flossing every 15 minutes like everyone knows you should. Now we're gonna have to cap all those teeth on the top, then do a bridge and a crown and a root canal, and fit you for braces, just in case you hit it big and want to be a movie star. I'll need to schedule a 3 hour slot, for 6 consecutive weeks. How's next Monday sound?"

Oh, and here's a lollipop for being such a good patient.

Do I really need to convince anyone that dentists are evil? Ever seen a horror movie? Inevitably, some crazed maniac will bring out some dental tools with which to mangle somebody (or at the very least a drill from the garage that reminds you of dental tools). Or have you watched a Marilyn Manson video? In that one for "Beautiful People", everybody has some kind of metal appliance strapped to his face, pulling the lips back to reveal more grotesquely eerie metal braces riveted to whatever's left of one's teeth. I bet most dentists like cats too!

Maybe I'm overreacting? It's quite possible that everything will go smooth and easy. Maybe the only difficult thing I'll face will be choosing what flavour of fluoride I want (mint, cinnamon or creamsicle)? Maybe it will be a painless, relaxing, enjoyable experience. Yeah, and maybe I'll grow webbed feet, win the lottery and learn Chinese this afternoon too! Well, it's too late to cancel the appointment now. If you don't hear from me soon, call the Marines or the Coast Guard or the Listerine people....