Monday, September 26, 2005
D-Day...
Today is D-Day (Dentist Day). We all pile in the van and go to the dentist in order to be prodded and poked with the long pointy metal scraper thing (I remember asking my hygienist friend, Lisa, what that thing was and I think she said that people in the industry called it a "scaler", but the technical term was "long pointy metal scraper thing").
You may not be able to tell, but I really hate going to the visit the dentist. And I use the term "visit" loosely, due to the fact that when you visit anyone else, you can leave when you want and usually aren't bleeding from your mouth when heading out the door. "But it's just a checkup and a cleaning", says my wife. However, it's the exact same thing as taking your car in for an oil change. "Uh oh", the grease monkey says from under the hood with a very concerned look, "someone hasn't been changing his radiator fluid every 500kms like it says in the 1995 Dodge Colt owner's manual. Now we're gonna have to replace the entire engine, transmission, tires and braking system.... that is after we deal with the exhaust and fuel pump, of course." You walk out of there, $3000 lighter and feeling about an inch tall because they are gleefully pointing out everything that is not pristine.
"Uh oh", the dentist will say this afternoon with a very concerned look, "someone hasn't been flossing every 15 minutes like everyone knows you should. Now we're gonna have to cap all those teeth on the top, then do a bridge and a crown and a root canal, and fit you for braces, just in case you hit it big and want to be a movie star. I'll need to schedule a 3 hour slot, for 6 consecutive weeks. How's next Monday sound?"
Oh, and here's a lollipop for being such a good patient.
Do I really need to convince anyone that dentists are evil? Ever seen a horror movie? Inevitably, some crazed maniac will bring out some dental tools with which to mangle somebody (or at the very least a drill from the garage that reminds you of dental tools). Or have you watched a Marilyn Manson video? In that one for "Beautiful People", everybody has some kind of metal appliance strapped to his face, pulling the lips back to reveal more grotesquely eerie metal braces riveted to whatever's left of one's teeth. I bet most dentists like cats too!
Maybe I'm overreacting? It's quite possible that everything will go smooth and easy. Maybe the only difficult thing I'll face will be choosing what flavour of fluoride I want (mint, cinnamon or creamsicle)? Maybe it will be a painless, relaxing, enjoyable experience. Yeah, and maybe I'll grow webbed feet, win the lottery and learn Chinese this afternoon too! Well, it's too late to cancel the appointment now. If you don't hear from me soon, call the Marines or the Coast Guard or the Listerine people....
You may not be able to tell, but I really hate going to the visit the dentist. And I use the term "visit" loosely, due to the fact that when you visit anyone else, you can leave when you want and usually aren't bleeding from your mouth when heading out the door. "But it's just a checkup and a cleaning", says my wife. However, it's the exact same thing as taking your car in for an oil change. "Uh oh", the grease monkey says from under the hood with a very concerned look, "someone hasn't been changing his radiator fluid every 500kms like it says in the 1995 Dodge Colt owner's manual. Now we're gonna have to replace the entire engine, transmission, tires and braking system.... that is after we deal with the exhaust and fuel pump, of course." You walk out of there, $3000 lighter and feeling about an inch tall because they are gleefully pointing out everything that is not pristine.
"Uh oh", the dentist will say this afternoon with a very concerned look, "someone hasn't been flossing every 15 minutes like everyone knows you should. Now we're gonna have to cap all those teeth on the top, then do a bridge and a crown and a root canal, and fit you for braces, just in case you hit it big and want to be a movie star. I'll need to schedule a 3 hour slot, for 6 consecutive weeks. How's next Monday sound?"
Oh, and here's a lollipop for being such a good patient.
Do I really need to convince anyone that dentists are evil? Ever seen a horror movie? Inevitably, some crazed maniac will bring out some dental tools with which to mangle somebody (or at the very least a drill from the garage that reminds you of dental tools). Or have you watched a Marilyn Manson video? In that one for "Beautiful People", everybody has some kind of metal appliance strapped to his face, pulling the lips back to reveal more grotesquely eerie metal braces riveted to whatever's left of one's teeth. I bet most dentists like cats too!
Maybe I'm overreacting? It's quite possible that everything will go smooth and easy. Maybe the only difficult thing I'll face will be choosing what flavour of fluoride I want (mint, cinnamon or creamsicle)? Maybe it will be a painless, relaxing, enjoyable experience. Yeah, and maybe I'll grow webbed feet, win the lottery and learn Chinese this afternoon too! Well, it's too late to cancel the appointment now. If you don't hear from me soon, call the Marines or the Coast Guard or the Listerine people....
# posted by Dairn @ 11:19 AM 
