Monday, November 28, 2005
Jury Duty...
No, not the bad Pauly Shore movie of the same name, actual jury duty! I received a letter post-marked from the Vancouver Sheriff's office and fully expected a photo radar ticket or something. Nope, jury duty. The jury selection date is scheduled for January 3/06 and it is for a criminal case of some kind. I'll let you know if I'm picked. In the meantime, I'll have to decide what to wear. My shockingly handsome suit or a tacky tourist getup of some kind (I've got a couple ugly Hawaiian shirts in the closet). Has anyone out there seen the classic hit movie "Ernest Goes To Jail"? It has the FUNNIEST scene in it when Ernest gets chosen for jury duty. While chewing on a pen, he listens intently to the testimony of the witnesses. Then the pen explodes and he gets black ink all over his mouth and face. He attempts to clean it up (as subtley as possible) with a piece of note paper. Of course, it just gets worse and smears everywhere. Laugh out loud funny! Hey Verne, if you can find the movie at your local Blockbuster, rent it in honour of me, ok?
If I'm chosen, I think I'll just take a pencil....
If I'm chosen, I think I'll just take a pencil....
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Klepto Ky...
Funny story. Beth was in the mall a little while ago strolling Kylan around, and she went into La Senza for a minute. After checking out one of the clothing racks, she turned around to see that Kylan had reached over to a short table and pulled about 20 pairs of frilly women's underwear into the stroller with him. He was clutching the throng of thongs with a huge smile on his face! Not sure what else should be said about it other than it was apparently quite the Kodak moment....
Friday, November 18, 2005
That's just not right...
Beth and I heard a sports commentator mention that a hockey player had been on the sidelines because he was "nursing a groin injury." There has got to be a better way to describe that....
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Aquafresh Asterisk*...
This is what my toothpaste box says: Aquafresh Whitening Advanced Freshness with Triclene is scientifically proven to safely whiten teeth by gently removing stains without bleach, peroxide or harsh abrasives.*
I thought, well that's nice. But then I wondered what the asterisk was for at the end of the sentence. I had to look at the other end of the box to see the following.
* With brushing.
OK, now I'm thinking that the Aquafresh people think that the average toothpaste user is very dumb. How else would Aquafresh safely whiten teeth? Well, let's brainstorm, shall we? You could:
- Scrape your teeth with the toothpaste box
- Take the toothpaste internally
- Hit your face with the toothpaste tube
- Smear your lips with Aquafresh
- Set your toothpaste on fire and breathe in the "teeth whitening" fumes
- Use in the same manner as you would Preparation H
Wow, there really are lots of ways to misunderstand the tooth whitening instructions! Thank you Aquafresh people, with the use of a seemingly insignificant asterisk, it's all so clear now.
I think I hear Colgate calling my name....
I thought, well that's nice. But then I wondered what the asterisk was for at the end of the sentence. I had to look at the other end of the box to see the following.
* With brushing.
OK, now I'm thinking that the Aquafresh people think that the average toothpaste user is very dumb. How else would Aquafresh safely whiten teeth? Well, let's brainstorm, shall we? You could:
- Scrape your teeth with the toothpaste box
- Take the toothpaste internally
- Hit your face with the toothpaste tube
- Smear your lips with Aquafresh
- Set your toothpaste on fire and breathe in the "teeth whitening" fumes
- Use in the same manner as you would Preparation H
Wow, there really are lots of ways to misunderstand the tooth whitening instructions! Thank you Aquafresh people, with the use of a seemingly insignificant asterisk, it's all so clear now.
I think I hear Colgate calling my name....
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Fewer Cars Burned In France...
Apparently there were fewer cars being torched and burned in French riots last night. Well duh. Over 8,500 have already been destroyed in the past few weeks, so they are obviously running out of cars to wreck. Previously averaging 200 cars each night, rioters must have turned their attention towards other flammable pursuits. It's really too bad. Those french Renaults and Citreons could probably use more torching (although I figure it can't be that easy to burn a lemon). Maybe we can convince the hooligans to come over here. There are some SUV's that could use a good working over....
Monday, November 14, 2005
Bank Robbery...
My bank was robbed today. I swung by to pay a bill and found a note on the door that said, "Bank closed due to robbery" (there were about 25 people waiting at that door - not sure if they ever got in). I decided to withdraw some money from the ATM and saw that my account was overdrawn. Those thievin' varmints!! They must have gotten away with more than their fair share. It's weird, though. I am overdrawn quite often at the middle and at the end of the month. This bank must get robbed a lot....
Friday, November 11, 2005
The Real Reason I Like Our Van...
I went to Subway yesterday to pick up some supper for the family (2 footlongs for us, ham on a bun for princess Jayce), and I drove our older model van. I could have taken the little car with the CD player and heater that warms up quicker, but the van has a tape deck. Yes, a stereo that plays tapes. My old 80's and 90's tapes, the ones that I never listen to anymore but that still seriously rock. Most of the teenagers I know would probably laugh at my music, but I grew up with it. It brings back so many good memories. I LOVE to crank it up in the van and tap my fingers on the steering wheel and then pull off a wicked electric guitar solo at the stop light (the stupid steering wheel in the van isn't quite low enough to drive with my knee while I riff away on my air guitar, so I always have to be stationary - I'll have to remedy that somehow).
Does anyone out there know what I mean? Maybe I'm alone in this, and that's perfectly fine. But if you see me in the van, face straining to hit those high 80's vocal notes and fingers flying all over my fretless Fender, please don't call the paramedics. This kind of seizure is of the rockin' variety....
Does anyone out there know what I mean? Maybe I'm alone in this, and that's perfectly fine. But if you see me in the van, face straining to hit those high 80's vocal notes and fingers flying all over my fretless Fender, please don't call the paramedics. This kind of seizure is of the rockin' variety....
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Odoriferous...
Okay, what is it with people who come out of public washrooms complaining about the smell? "Whew, it smells rank in there!" "Do NOT go in there!" "I almost died in that gas station bathroom...!"
Well, duh. Did you expect a fragrant meadow with bunnies and baby deer frolicking and playing amidst the daisies? I never complain about the smell because A) I expect it to be bad, and B) I hold my breath. Well, I don't hold my breath the whole time, but I don't breathe through my nose - that's just asking for trouble. It doesn't matter what bathroom it is, whether at the Esso or the opera, I don't breathe in the noxious fumes. Why would anyone want to?
Next time you hear someone complain about how stinky the public washroom is, ask them why they're sniffing it all in. And then remind them they just contributed to the problem....
Well, duh. Did you expect a fragrant meadow with bunnies and baby deer frolicking and playing amidst the daisies? I never complain about the smell because A) I expect it to be bad, and B) I hold my breath. Well, I don't hold my breath the whole time, but I don't breathe through my nose - that's just asking for trouble. It doesn't matter what bathroom it is, whether at the Esso or the opera, I don't breathe in the noxious fumes. Why would anyone want to?
Next time you hear someone complain about how stinky the public washroom is, ask them why they're sniffing it all in. And then remind them they just contributed to the problem....
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Ack, Ack, Ack...
Kylan is almost 15 1/2 months old and he is running around, kinda looking like one of those martians from "Mars Attacks" especially when he's wearing a sleeper or one-piece outfit of some kind. He nods his head as he toddles and he flails his arm out in front of him, just like the martians in the movie. They ran around saying "ack, ack, ack", which when translated meant, "Do not run, we are your friends" (as they vaporized everybody in sight).
Looking back, I'm thinking that my buddy DNO and I were the only ones to watch that movie in theatres. It was so cheesey and bad that I laughed (more than I should have). Now that I'm a father, I understand that the director must have had a 15 1/2 month old son when he was getting his inspiration for those little green men.
As I type this, Kylan is running around the house with his arm pointing in front of him, chasing Capo the dog, tummy sticking out saying "buh-bye, buh-bye, buh-bye." Loosely translated in Martian, that means Ack, Ack, Ack....
Looking back, I'm thinking that my buddy DNO and I were the only ones to watch that movie in theatres. It was so cheesey and bad that I laughed (more than I should have). Now that I'm a father, I understand that the director must have had a 15 1/2 month old son when he was getting his inspiration for those little green men.
As I type this, Kylan is running around the house with his arm pointing in front of him, chasing Capo the dog, tummy sticking out saying "buh-bye, buh-bye, buh-bye." Loosely translated in Martian, that means Ack, Ack, Ack....
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
By Mennen...
I bought a new Speed Stick the other day (Ocean Surf scent) because my current one is nearing the end of it's armpit usefulness. Back on the high school basketball team, we used to call it "pit stick" but I don't call it that very much anymore. Could be because I'm not a 16 year old playing basketball with other 16 year olds, driving from games in a smelly old school bus, lamenting our most recent loss. I was a guard who couldn't shoot very well, but I could defend better than most (turns out there's not much glory for a good defender in high school basketball), but I digress.
The Speed Stick plastic tube (or packaging or holder or whatever it's called) had changed. There is now a black plastic grip on each side of my Ocean Surf Speed Stick. It looks cooler, but it caused me to wonder aloud, "Why?" Were men losing their grip on their deodorant stick when applying a quick swipe up and down of each armpit? Had there been some household accidents that could have been avoided if only there was a safety grip on the Speed Stick? Were some men developing unsightly callouses on their hands due to an awkward grasp on their daily underarm regimen?
One may never know. Maybe a letter to the people at Mennen is in order. Or maybe I should just go back to a roll-on (shudder)....
The Speed Stick plastic tube (or packaging or holder or whatever it's called) had changed. There is now a black plastic grip on each side of my Ocean Surf Speed Stick. It looks cooler, but it caused me to wonder aloud, "Why?" Were men losing their grip on their deodorant stick when applying a quick swipe up and down of each armpit? Had there been some household accidents that could have been avoided if only there was a safety grip on the Speed Stick? Were some men developing unsightly callouses on their hands due to an awkward grasp on their daily underarm regimen?
One may never know. Maybe a letter to the people at Mennen is in order. Or maybe I should just go back to a roll-on (shudder)....
