Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Poop Truce...
* An open letter to the birds doing their dirty work on my car.
To whom it may concern:
Dear sir/madam/winged creature,
I have been the target of your smear campaign for the past week and it is getting tiring. I get to my car after a hard day in the office and your residue is splattered all over my rear window and windshield. It's as if you and your crow-horts have a personal vendetta against me. I have checked and double-checked my parking situation, and there are no overhead wires or tree limbs for which to perch and poop. Yet day after day, your projectiles have been plainly plastered on my paint in a seemingly premeditated pattern. Am I parked in a bird flight path of some kind? Is there a mandatory dumping that must occur before landing on the hedge in front of my car? Are there flying ostriches (as the sheer volume has been incredible)?
I must insist that your bombings cease immediately, or your actions will be repaid in an escalated manner (I own a pellet gun). Thank you for your quick consideration to my letter.
Sincerely,
Dairn M Peters
Dodge Colt (red) Plate# WMJ 600
PS If this letter has been incorrectly directed, please accept my humble apology to the birds of the Burnaby area, and pass on this note to the squirrel with the obvious tummy troubles....
To whom it may concern:
Dear sir/madam/winged creature,
I have been the target of your smear campaign for the past week and it is getting tiring. I get to my car after a hard day in the office and your residue is splattered all over my rear window and windshield. It's as if you and your crow-horts have a personal vendetta against me. I have checked and double-checked my parking situation, and there are no overhead wires or tree limbs for which to perch and poop. Yet day after day, your projectiles have been plainly plastered on my paint in a seemingly premeditated pattern. Am I parked in a bird flight path of some kind? Is there a mandatory dumping that must occur before landing on the hedge in front of my car? Are there flying ostriches (as the sheer volume has been incredible)?
I must insist that your bombings cease immediately, or your actions will be repaid in an escalated manner (I own a pellet gun). Thank you for your quick consideration to my letter.
Sincerely,
Dairn M Peters
Dodge Colt (red) Plate# WMJ 600
PS If this letter has been incorrectly directed, please accept my humble apology to the birds of the Burnaby area, and pass on this note to the squirrel with the obvious tummy troubles....
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Dramatization...
Have you noticed that television commercials have become a lawyer's playground? For example, I was watching an ad for an SUV. As it drove down a back road in the forest, it magically sprouted a hovercraft body and "floated" over a large puddle, showing it's smooth ride over rough terrain. At the bottom of the screen in tiny letters was the word, "Dramatization."
Okay, I guess I can imagine some smart aleck or backwoods hobo going into the Toyota dealership and asking for the 2007 Hovercraft SUV, and then threatening to sue because they don't have one. Then there's the Jenny Craig commercials that spout, "I lost 20 pounds in 30 days" or whatever, but below it slyly reads "Results not typical." So most people don't lose that kind of weight, they gain it like me, while eating Cheetos and watching Jenny Craig commercials.
But have you seen that Energizer commercial?? It put me over the edge. An alien spacecraft has crash-landed on earth, and I guess they've just gotta get back home before re-runs of ALF start. Along comes the Energizer Bunny, and they hook him up with some cosmic jumper cables. Well, wouldn't you know it, that non-coppertop has enough juice to not only fire up the alien spacecraft, but to keep going and going and going, thumping that stupid drum. During the jump-start scene, there are those lawyer words again, "This is only a dramatization." Nooooo, really??? You mean bunnies banging drums don't go around boosting the hyper-drive units of helpless, stranded ET's?
Like, how stupid are we supposed to be? Does Energizer think we're going to ask for something they can't provide? "Well shoot, George, I'm gonna git me one of them Toyoter UFO's that runs on them bunny batt'ries!" I long for the day when the TV viewer was smarter, and the TV executives weren't so afraid of sue-age. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and overdramatic. Umm, nope, because I've got those lawyer words below.
"This is NOT a dramatization...."
Okay, I guess I can imagine some smart aleck or backwoods hobo going into the Toyota dealership and asking for the 2007 Hovercraft SUV, and then threatening to sue because they don't have one. Then there's the Jenny Craig commercials that spout, "I lost 20 pounds in 30 days" or whatever, but below it slyly reads "Results not typical." So most people don't lose that kind of weight, they gain it like me, while eating Cheetos and watching Jenny Craig commercials.
But have you seen that Energizer commercial?? It put me over the edge. An alien spacecraft has crash-landed on earth, and I guess they've just gotta get back home before re-runs of ALF start. Along comes the Energizer Bunny, and they hook him up with some cosmic jumper cables. Well, wouldn't you know it, that non-coppertop has enough juice to not only fire up the alien spacecraft, but to keep going and going and going, thumping that stupid drum. During the jump-start scene, there are those lawyer words again, "This is only a dramatization." Nooooo, really??? You mean bunnies banging drums don't go around boosting the hyper-drive units of helpless, stranded ET's?
Like, how stupid are we supposed to be? Does Energizer think we're going to ask for something they can't provide? "Well shoot, George, I'm gonna git me one of them Toyoter UFO's that runs on them bunny batt'ries!" I long for the day when the TV viewer was smarter, and the TV executives weren't so afraid of sue-age. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and overdramatic. Umm, nope, because I've got those lawyer words below.
"This is NOT a dramatization...."
Friday, February 02, 2007
Jones Soda Spelling Snafu...
Okay, so I have a couple friends (we'll call them Jily and Laki) who have a jones for Jones Soda, Fu-Fu Berry flavour. I like the stuff too, and if you ask them they'll blame me for causing their entry-level addictions, but I am not to blame for their soon-to-be-not-famous-at-all "Fu-Fu Berry high five." I digress.
Recently, they have been searching for the red elixor at corner stores and gas stations and haven't been able to procure any Fu-Fu Berry soda. I thought this strange, so during my trip to Surrey yesterday I decided to drop by a few places and surprise them with my innate ability to successfully forage for Fu-Fu.
At the Chevron gas station, kitty-corner to the Johnston Heights Evangelical Free Church on 152nd Street, I looked at the glass case in dismay, as their Jones Soda selection was somewhat pitiful. As I was leaving the store, the man behind the counter asked if he could help me. I told him I was looking for Fu-Fu Berry flavoured Jones Soda. He said that he would look into ordering it, and proceeded to write it down on a piece of paper. However, in his ethnicity (and me in mine, I might add), he wrote down, "Jones Soda - Fruit Berry." I kindly repeated the name, Fu-Fu Berry, and he kindly repeated, Fruit Berry, back to me.
Now, if I was thinking about ten steps ahead of the game (like a champion chess player or captain of the Enterprise, Jean Luc Picard, for example), I might not have made the mistake of trying to tell him the correct spelling... out loud... to his face.
"No, it's Fu-Fu Berry, that's f-u, f-u..." At this point, my mind just realized what I said to the poor man (f...u, f...u), and I actually reached for his little pencil he was writing with. He repeated, "fruit berry??" to me in his broken english. I replied, "umm, no. It's Fu-Fu... (by this time I'm feeling rather silly saying Fu-Fu) ... f-u... f-... ummm, never mind. Thanks anyways."
Makes you wonder if this is exactly the scenario those Jones Soda people were snickering about when they thought up the Fu-Fu Berry name....
Recently, they have been searching for the red elixor at corner stores and gas stations and haven't been able to procure any Fu-Fu Berry soda. I thought this strange, so during my trip to Surrey yesterday I decided to drop by a few places and surprise them with my innate ability to successfully forage for Fu-Fu.
At the Chevron gas station, kitty-corner to the Johnston Heights Evangelical Free Church on 152nd Street, I looked at the glass case in dismay, as their Jones Soda selection was somewhat pitiful. As I was leaving the store, the man behind the counter asked if he could help me. I told him I was looking for Fu-Fu Berry flavoured Jones Soda. He said that he would look into ordering it, and proceeded to write it down on a piece of paper. However, in his ethnicity (and me in mine, I might add), he wrote down, "Jones Soda - Fruit Berry." I kindly repeated the name, Fu-Fu Berry, and he kindly repeated, Fruit Berry, back to me.
Now, if I was thinking about ten steps ahead of the game (like a champion chess player or captain of the Enterprise, Jean Luc Picard, for example), I might not have made the mistake of trying to tell him the correct spelling... out loud... to his face.
"No, it's Fu-Fu Berry, that's f-u, f-u..." At this point, my mind just realized what I said to the poor man (f...u, f...u), and I actually reached for his little pencil he was writing with. He repeated, "fruit berry??" to me in his broken english. I replied, "umm, no. It's Fu-Fu... (by this time I'm feeling rather silly saying Fu-Fu) ... f-u... f-... ummm, never mind. Thanks anyways."
Makes you wonder if this is exactly the scenario those Jones Soda people were snickering about when they thought up the Fu-Fu Berry name....
